breaking and entering ⚣ yoonseok / sope

( 15 ) suicide letter

"i-i'm sorry."
i pushed him away from me and ran away from him.

he called out my name but i didn't glance behind me until i was outside of the airport. i leaned against the wall and cried until my chest hurt.
pretty soon, i had no more tears left to cry and all i was left with was empty sobs.

i trudged my way back to the subway station and was just in time for a departing train. the subway was mostly empty; i sat down and dug my hands in my pocket, feeling my fingers wrap around a sealed envelope. i pulled it out and held it in front of me. "to : my best friend." i read out loud, not caring if anyone else on the train could hear me.

i sighed, already feeling a wave of pain pass over me. i ripped open the letter and tried to hold it steady with my shaky hands as i read in my head.

"dear min yoongi, i'm sorry. i know i've said those two words to you so much already but i really can't stress how sorry i am. if you're reading this right now, i probably already left. i've been hiding everything from you for so long, and i think now i should tell you everything that's happened in the past 4 years. let's start from the beginning..."

i looked up from the letter when i heard the automated voice informing the passengers to get off.
i tucked the letter inside my coat pocket and stood up.

i walked home silently, a flurry of thoughts eating away at my brain. when i entered the house, i shut the door quickly and ran to my studio.

"... the reason we moved was because my mom had an affair. my dad was quick to forgive my mom but he wanted to move to a completely new place to forget about our problems. but moving to a completely new place with our minimal income — changed our old lifestyle completely. my parents often got into fights a lot over money and would take it out on me—"

what the fuck. these are the same parents that used to take me in and feed me when my mom left. the ones that would provide me with basic needs my mom abandoned... no way.

i could barely sit still as anxiety started to flood through me, but i kept on reading silently.

"—me. nothing was worse than school though. it's so incredibly difficult to communicate and learn because of the language barrier and because of that... i didn't have anyone to talk to. i used music as an escape and to learn english better and i eventually made some friends. they introduced me to underground rapping and life felt really good for awhile. but since i was out almost every night doing things i shouldn't have been doing, i didn't have enough time for studying and eventually my grades started slipping. at the same time, a record deal approached me and wanted to sign me. i thought, 'maybe this can make up for all the shit that's happened to me.' i told my parents, but they hated it so much and forced me to move out if i wasn't going to take school seriously. so i left home at around 17 ( last year ) and moved in with one of my closest friends— the only person i had left to support me.. he wasn't a good influence but he was my partner in music who would pay most of my expenses. he would often abuse girls and heavily depend on drugs and alcohol but i was too weak to tell him to stop back then. i knew he was bad for me but i was so young and so in love with him that i didn't know anything better. but, about a few months ago.. he overdosed. i remember coming home one day and seeing his body limp on our apartment floor, with pills, needles, and smoke clouding the room. after his death, i no longer had anyone to support me. i contacted my parents to ask them for any kind of help but they immediately refused. they didn't want to help their only 'failed son'. i had to put my career on pause as i involved myself with really bad people to make money for myself. my company might break off my contract soon because without my partner, i just can't make music. i relied so much on him that without him, i'm completely lost. i don't know what else to do anymore but think everyday, 'what if i just died? who would miss me?' but i remembered you."

tears started to form in my eyes again as my heart beat rapidly in my chest. it was as if my insides knew what was coming and were bracing me for what i was about to see.

"yoongi, i'm so sorry. it seems like you always called me out of nowhere at the times i really needed someone. i really don't deserve you. but you deserve to know this. this is my suicide letter and you're the only one that knows. i'm in such a dark and horrible place and there's really nothing for me to do anymore. please forgive me yoongi. don't ever blame yourself for not being there for me or blame yourself for something you couldn't have prevented. because it was all my fault. i shouldn't have fallen in love with someone that was willing to leave me so easily. i shouldn't have fallen in love with someone that was so bad for me. falling in love is so dangerously stupid and i fell right into it so easily. yoongi, there's only 2 things i ask of you after you finish reading this— please don't tell anyone about this. i don't have any other relatives or friends and my parents have split up and started separate happy lives. i've told them that i'm leaving the country to travel the world but you're the only one that knows otherwise."

i couldn't read any further, tears flowing nonstop down my face, the words in front of me starting to become a blurry mess. tears dripped heavily onto the letter, soaking namjoon's neat handwriting. as much as the pain in my chest grew, i willed myself to continue.

"the most important thing i want you to remember is, don't make the same mistakes i made. don't ever mistake gratitude for love. don't take someone's kindness as a form of love. don't depend on someone that doesn't make you happy. because i did. i made all of those mistakes. find someone that makes you feel so happy and together— someone that won't be willing to leave you so easily. promise me that you'll find someone that heals all your scars and someone that puts your happiness above theirs. you were that someone for me and i'm sorry i never said it sooner but, i love you yoongi. so much. i'll never love anyone with the same love i had for you. you were and will always be my best friend. this isn't a goodbye but a see you soon letter. i love you more than you can imagine and i'm so thankful for everything you've done for me. once again, i'm sorry."

"love, kim namjoon.

p.s, i hope by now if you're reading this, my mixtape is finished and released. if you ever miss me, listen to my music and i'll always be there with you."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *

guys i stg i couldn't stop sobbing while i was writing this :(( i'm so sorry babes.

~ V 💫