over coffee

cinco.

cinco.

He said he missed me, and I couldn't bring myself up to tell him I was done. We had entered my apartment and the silence between us grew. I didn't make myself dinner and wasn't planning to. I just grabbed a beer bottle and started to drink. I had finished it and still hadn't said anything.

"Okay, so you didn't miss me." He said looking at his hands. His thumbs pressed togethers as he bite his lip.

"You didn't miss me either." I said playing with the bottle in my hands.

"I did miss you." He said and I rolled my eyes at him.

"You just missed the sex." I spat back and walked towards the kitchen to grab another bottle. "That's what I am to you, a booty call." I said turning around and leaning my back on the fridge.

"That's not true. You are my friend." He said and it felt stupid to keep rolling my eyes at him.

"If you were my friend, you would've understood that I didn't want to have sex last time." I said not moving from where I was standing.

"You say that, but yet you had a pretty amazing night." He said smirking at me.

"Asshole." I said chugging my beer. "What is it that you want?" I said now putting the empty bottle down and walking towards him.

"Well, you know." He said with a smirk.

"As you can see it always leads up to sex." I said rolling my eyes at him. "Don't you have a girlfriend for that?" I said sitting back down.

"I do, but she's pregnant and is rarely in the mood." He said and wanted to kick him out.

"I am going to have to be like her and say no." I said standing up and making my way towards the door.

I was ready to open the door and ask him to leave, but he pulled his arms around me. He gently started to kiss my neck in all the places that he knew would make me say yes. He spun me around to face him and kissed me passionately. He pushed up against the door and with one hand unhooked my pants. It was all going so fast that I couldn't react.

His hand down my panties as he continued to kiss me. Followed by him pulling down my pants and carrying me all the way to my bed. He climbed on top of me and put it in making me moan. I couldn't stop him or force him off. I was loving every second of it. I had on hand lightly pulling at his hair as he groaned and kissed me. When it ended, I felt dirty again. He was laying in my bed fast asleep while I sat on the edge of it watching him.

I had covered myself up with one of my old t-shirts and wiped away my tears as soon as they came out. My make-up was all over the place and I didn't want him to see me crying. I grabbed my phone and headed into the bathroom. I laid myself in the tiled floor and just looked at the white ceiling. I couldn't call Amanda and I just didn't know what to do. Before I could do anything, my phone rang. It took me a while to answer it.

"Paula, we won! I read your 'Good Luck' text before the match. Thank you so much. I scored twice! Can you believe it? Me with two goals, again!" Alvaro sounded like he was grinning and I didn't know if I could take it.

"Congrats!" I said holding back the tears.

"You okay?" He said and I shook my head. He couldn't see me shaking my head, but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth. I wanted to talk about something that wasn't my life. "I'll take that as a no." He said and there was silence between us. I could only hear him breathing while he probably heard me crying.

"Alvaro, I can't do this. I am so sorry." I said crying. I hung up and felt myself choke up.

I walked over the the shower and let the cold water hit me as I continued to cry. I knew I had to be more calm when I faced him. I couldn't be crying or hurt, but I felt so used. I walked out of the shower after what felt like hour and just walked back to my room. I was towel drying my hair when I reached him. He was out of the bed and putting his sweatpants back on.

"You want to go out and grab a bite to eat." He said walking over to me.

"No." I said opening one of the drawers and pulling out my pjs. "I might just go to sleep."

"So, did that player ever come see you again?" He asked as he sat on the edge of my bed.

"He did." I said not being able to lie to him.

"Do I know him?" He asked as I was putting on my pants.

"I hope not." I mumbled.

"Are you going to tell me his name?" He asked and I shook my head.

"It doesn't matter, I'm never going to see him again." I said biting my lip and not even glancing at him. "I'm going to sleep." I said finally facing him.

"Goodnight then" He said leaning in and placing his lips on mine.

Have you ever felt so useless that it makes you feel like shit. I'm 23. I never graduated college. I work at a Starbucks and my parents pay for my apartment. I can't even finish a book I've been writing for 3 years now, and am someone sex puppet. I don't deserve anything good. I don't deserve happiness.

I cried all night and the tears never felt like they were going to end just like the pain in my chest. I couldn't bring myself to write and the next morning, I couldn't bring myself to go to work. I didn't care how I looked, and most of all I didn't care if people were trying to call me. Amanda was the only one that knew where I lived, and I hoped she wouldn't come looking for me.

I needed to fix my life and the first step was cutting things with him. I was just too weak to do it. I liked having sex with him, more than I liked myself.

I got out of bed at around 4 in the afternoon. My stomach couldn't take it anymore and I had to eat something or I was going to puke. I put a frozen pizza in the oven, then headed to the bathroom to look for my phone. I put it to charge and Alvaro was all I could think about. If I wanted my life to change, I had to stop being rude to the one person that has been nice to me.

I needed to make it extremely clear to him that we would never be more than just friends. I can't be with a footballer. I keep thinking Alvaro s different, but I am too scared to actually believe it. I ate my pizza still thinking about him. I pulled my Macbook wanting to search for him, but realized had never asked for his last name. I googled 'Alvaro and getafe' and found a lot of pictures of him.

There was a link to his twitter account and on it was the picture he had sent me yesterday. I clicked on the follow button then continued reading his tweets. Part of me wanted to search both of their names together. I was a little bit curious if they did in fact knew each other. I ended up searching for them and the first picture was them together.