I'm broken (Destiel)

Dragged from the valley of peace (plus authors note)

Sam never liked conflict. Never chose sides. He never really planned to argue with his dad, he just wanted his voice heard. Sam never liked to get involved with dean's grief, he wanted dean to be able to make his own decisions to get help, even if it had to be coerced from time to time. You can't heal unless you ask for a bandaid, he figured. He knew it wasn't much of his business to go kicking up dirt in the first place; he had his own issues. Some people might think he's crazy for being so inviting to death, but he just knew there was no fighting it. Sam figured a little more stubborn will to live would do him good, but it was how it was. 

Sitting at his desk in his room, Sam tapped his pen against the paper. Contemplating thoughts of leaving a note before he left for a mind soothing drive, he heard a knock at the door. "Come in," he said, confused as to who it was. He'd only just gotten in his room 10 minutes ago, so anything that needed to be done could've been done by dean, cas, or jack. 

"Hello, Sam," Castiel nervously greeted Sam, hesitant to continue into the room. Sam politely smiled, yet not explicitly trying to shield his annoyance from Cas. He waved him in and turned his chair around, prepared to address the angel's concerns. 

"What's up cas?" Sam leaned back in his chair, arms draped over his chest. Castiel sat on the corner of the mattress, leaning into the conversation with his elbows on his knees. 

"I fear that your brother is in danger," Cas began, suddenly causing Sam to jump forward and pay attention. Before he could ask what was wrong, Castiel continued, "he's becoming so distant, I can't help worry if it's bevause of my own personal failings as a friend." Castiel squeezed the center of his forehead, staring at the cement floor between his feet. 

Sam took a quick sigh of relief, relaxing the built up tension in his shoulders . "Cas, dude, you've never been less than loyal and helpful. If anything, we should be apologizing for rarely returning the favor," Sam scoffed at his realization, "What makes you think deans distancing himself? He just needs a little time to process on his own before he opens up, believe me." Sam warmly smiled at cas, trying to assure him. 

Castiel only shook his head and took a shallow breath, as if he was winded from the conversation itself. "Sam, if I tell you something incredibly private about your brother, can you promise that this information stays between us, and only us?" Castiel put emphasis on "only" hoping he was properly stressing the confidentiality of the information. 

Sam nervously agreed, worried about what he was going to be told. "Yeah, go ahead," he heard his swallowing in his ears, a result of the anxiety knotting in his stomach. 

"A few nights ago, after we played monopoly, I had taken a quick walk along the woods, and I came home to the sound of dean," he paused for a bit before looking up at sams eyes to continue. "I found dean crying." Castiel shook his head, trying to shake the sound from within his skull. "Just horrible wails, echoing the bunker. So much so, I- I though he was being tortured." Cas was now blankly staring at sam, recalling the events of that night. 

Sam had sat next to cas by now, supportively rubbing his back. "Continue," he said, sounding more solid than he felt. 

Cas wrung his hands together before going on. "I traced the sound to his room, and there he was- face in a pillow- surrounded by bottles of liquor," Castiel said this part more quietly, understanding the sensitivity of deans alcoholism. Neither men could deny dean alcohol; they knew it was hurting him but it was the only thing keeping him alive and his head above water from drowning in his thoughts. Sometimes, like that night, it turned out to be the hand pulling him into the sea. 

"I asked him what was wrong, but he was drunk: slurring his words." Cas's voice was quivering from defeat, knowing he couldn't stop the story there, knowing he had to admit to Sam how he failed dean. "He... he thinks he's broken Sam." He looked up in sams eyes and Sam looked as if he was swallowing rocks. 

"How... how come?" Sam barely got the words out, the stones of deans pain sinking in his stomach.

"He thinks everything is his fault, that he can't fix a thing. I tried Sam, I TRIED, but nothing I could say would soothe him. So I just let him fall asleep, but Sam, I had to hold him for hours before he would even do that. I had to hold him while he was falling apart,-and I couldn't do a thing about it! I can't forgive myself- I won't- for that." Cas's voice was audibly unstable by this point and Sam has transitioned to full on hugging him. 

"Cas, you stayed there, YOU were there for him, even if he can't remember it. Most people would say "oh well" but you blame yourself which is how I know you're a good person- you CARE. So don't ever blame yourself cas, because I could never." Cas's breathing slowly evened out. 

"What are we going to do sam?" Sam shuddered before saying it  

"Fight till the very end and save my brother." 

Sam thought to himself; no better way to avoid conflict than to get in the very middle of it. 

HEY YALL! So this is my first book ever and I just want to thank you all for reading! If there's any advice or ways you think this book should go, just know I DO take constructive advice. Leave comments because I'm planing on making a one shot/imagines book and I would love to give y'all a say in it! Lots of love!

-A