Angel.

2 PM.

That was the time I got the call.

The fact your sister had called me after years of not seeing each other had me rather confused.

But yet I still answered in a flash, worried that she was in trouble or something had happened to her.

Yes, after all this time, I still care and love for her, ever since we were babies. I might be 2 years older than her but she was also like my sister.

"Danni? What's wrong?"

"Chris"

My eyes widened hearing your name. My heart began to pace thinking you were in a hospital again, right after you woke up from a coma. I was scared you got into another accident.

"What happened to him? is he in the ho-"

"He's dead, Jessi."

Oh.
Oh no.
God,please no...

"What do you mean..? He was fine, Danni! He woke up, he was fine, walking normally and working!"

By now I felt tears well up in my eyes, holding the urge to break down as I clutched the phone more near my ear.

"He passed away last night. We don't know what happened...we just know that he was in a restaurant at 3 am and all of a sudden...he just collapsed"

Why.
Why did you have to take him so soon.
Why did you have to clutch him out of everyone he loved just like that.

"Oh...Oh,God. Danni..Danni I'm so so sorry..."

I began to cry, covering my mouth and slowly began to sob loudly.

"Please...please just come to the wake. He wouldn't want to be alone."

Her voice was pleading, and while I sobbed on the phone my mind just began to cloud.

She's right.
Chris hated being alone.
Even though he's older than the both of us, he always hated being alone.

"I'll go. I'll let my mom and everyone else know as well."

"Thank you.."

~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°

As much as I loved wearing black, I hated wearing black to go see you.

I was ready to visit you again soon, but not like this.

Not in these circumstances.

I remember walking in the funeral home, instantly getting hugged so tightly by your sister.

After years of wanting to see her I expected a better reunion.

But not with her big brown eyes puffy from crying, dark from not sleeping at all.

I missed your mom, but she looked so heartbroken. I wish I could've just brought you back just to see them smile again.

I saw your casket right in front of me. I didn't have the strength to go up yet. As I sat down in the chairs, I just felt my hands begin to shake, my heart beating against my ears so rapidly.

Then I looked up.

I wanted to gasp in horror and just cry so loudly again.

There you were.

Laying so peacefully, laying so calmly.

But you were pale.

You were as white as snow.

Not seeing your cheeks brightening with life, or your wide smile as you always said stupid jokes.

Right then and there, I really wished I could go back in time.

To when I was younger, and you drove me and Danni to McDonald's then go watch a movie.

Or the days I asked you to push me on the swings, only to be terrified when I went too high.

But you were laughing.

And you were smiling.

And you were so full of life.

But now here I am,

seeing you in a casket instead.

Wearing your favorite soccer jersey.

Oh god, how I hated seeing your girlfriend so broken.

She was also full of smiles when she was with you, you and her always helped me.

And now here I was, holding her as she just cried silently.

I really just wanted you to wake up.

Just laugh and tell us it was a joke, just to smile once more.

I hated seeing you in there.

With a pale face and the pale makeup they put on your face.

To your now discolored fingers.

To touching you for once last time and just feeling you being ice cold.

I hated seeing you in there. I hated it.

I have nightmares of seeing you there almost every night, I wake up with tears streaming down my cheeks or just gasp for breath.

Then I stare at the ceiling and silently cry myself back to sleep.

~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°

I hate myself.

For not going to your funeral. For being a wuss and going somewhere else to distract this troubled mind instead of seeing you get buried.

But I couldn't take it. And I'm so sorry I didn't. But I at least saw you at the wake for one last time and said my goodbye.

Along for never having the chance to thank you.

Thanking you for being the big brother I thought I could never have.

Thanking you for the small adventures to mcdonalds,making a fort with the sofa cushions, climbing trees with Danni.

Thanking you for wiping my tears and always offering open arms for me to go in when I was troubled.

Thanking you for going out of the way I was fine, to offering me a place to stay in case anything happened to feeding me if I didn't eat anything.

Thanking you for the rides to the hospital or the clinic when I had appointments and you doing stupid jokes while you drove.

Thanking you for letting me use the AUX cord, and complaining about the nusic I put on only to nod along as I sang my heart out.

Thanking you and her for being the best alive, and showing me what love looks like.

But most importantly, I never thanked you for being you.

You always had the kindest soul, always had the biggest smile despite being troubled.

Thank you for being in my life for 18 years, from holding me as a newborn to seeing me get a high school diploma.

I know you don't want me being sad.
And sometimes I really can't help it.

And I know you would've told me to never give up on myself, to pursue farther in my life and keep smiling and laughing.

I promise you I will.
It will be a hard journey but I will make you proud as you take care of us up there.

I promise you I'll also take care of them as much as I can. They're precious in my life as much as they were in yours.

I know you didn't want to leave so soon. You had many dreams you wanted to accomplish. But things can happen.

I just know that you're now in peace.

Thank you. Thank you for everything.

Rest well, Chris.