"He only has 3 months left to live," the attending doctor declared. Tumingin si Reena sa akin. Hindi na niya nakayanan at lumakad patungo sa akin sabay yakap ng mahigpit. I no longer have the energy to hug her back. Nakahiga nalang ako dito. Suko na ang katawan ko, pero sa puso at isipan ko, kaya ko pa. Kakayanin.
I don't want to leave her. I promised her. I promised to have a good life with her.
"Doc, wala na po bang pag-asa? Gawin niyo po lahat! Kahit magkano, wala kaming pake, buhayin niyo lang po ang anak namin!" hagulgol ni inay. She was desperate, pleading for help towards a doctor who could no longer save me.
Leukaemia. A disease originating from defected white and red blood cells of the blood or bone marrow. The doctor kept explaining the severity of my condition. But what was the point?
Ang daming sinabi, pwede naman akong diretsuhin. I've long accepted the inevitability of life. Bata palang ako, hindi na ako takot sa katotohanan na isang araw, mawawala rin ako.
You are born,
You grow up,
And you die.
Once you accept that fact, you learn the word contentment.
But I looked at the girl beside me, and I thought to myself, 'Contentment? Tao ka, wala ka nun.'
When she came to my life, she gave me a sense of purpose but in return, I began to fear death too. I guess I was never really human, never really lived, until I met her. So, if I was to die, then it was only wise to end things with her too.
After all...she was my life in physical form.
Pinipigilan ko ang mga luhang gusto nang tumulo, pero tumingin nalang ako sa itaas at bumulong ng dasal. Dumaan ang ilang araw, ilang buwan, at tila nakikipagsabayan din ang bilis ng paglubha ng aking kondisyon. As my immune system weakened, a chance of a multisystem organ failure was not out of the story. Maraming complications ang sakit ko. Habang tumatagal, namumutla na ako. The hair that I used to brag so much about was gone too.
Napanghihinaan na rin ako ng loob.
Pero kahit ganon, Reena remained unshaken and didn't show any vulnerability, she stayed beside me and took care of me. I suddenly felt the urge to tell her something. Something that was for the better.
"Love..." I called for her.
"Hmmm? Nagugutom ka na ba love?" she smiled at me.
"Wala, gusto ko lang makita yung magandang mukha mo," I returned the smile and admired her beautiful face as I reached out to touch it. It felt as if it was going to be the last time that I would be able to caress it. There was a sudden feeling of pain. I couldn't breathe normally at all, but I tried to hide it.
"Reens, umuwi kana sa bahay niyo, okay lang naman ako. Nagaalala na sila tita, sige ka baka bawas pogi points ako."
"Asher hindi ako aalis," she said flatly, "Baka kasi..."
I slowly retracted my hands from her, "Ano?" inhaling air as much as I can, gasping so that I had more courage, "Na mamamatay na ako? Love, tanggap ko na yun."
"Ano Drick? Susuko ka nalang ba, ha?"
Halatang nagalit si Reena sa mga pinagsasabi ko. But the fear in her eyes denied the anger she was portraying. More than anything, I knew she was just trying to be strong. For, her. For the both of us.
"Reens, t-tapusin na natin to..." I gasped for more air, as her eyes widened at the sight of me.
Everything was a blur after that. White coats surrounded me, nagtatakbuhang tao, mga sigaw na hindi ko maintindihan. I was running out of time. Life as I knew it was going to overcome me.
"Wag mo akong iiwan!" paulit ulit na sigaw ni Reena habang pilit na tinataboy siya ng mga nurse.
It hurt to see her like this. She held my hands ever so tightly that it broke my heart. I didn't have any choice.
"Reena..." I slowly removed her hands away from mine, "It's time to find your true happiness."
Echoed voices.
Muffled sounds.
A blurred vision.
As I closed my eyes I think of the happiest memories spent with her.
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