Introverted Hearts // Josh Dun

chapter twenty four :: blame

"Sure," Josh nodded. "For Jenna too?"

"She doesn't eat when she's sad." CJ told him.

"What happened?"

"I told her I was moving out and she didn't take it very well." CJ sat on the edge of her bed.

"I figured." Josh took a spot next to her.

"She's not wrong." CJ stated.

"What do you mean?"

"She was telling me that we've been living together for such a long time that she doesn't think I'll be able to adjust without her," CJ explained. "I'll be fine, but she's right. We've been through so much together for so long and we depend on each other for so much that it's gonna feel weird."

"You know I'll always be there and help you with whatever you need."

"I know," CJ nodded. "But you're my boyfriend. There's a big difference."

"How?" Josh asked. "I'm not trying to get you to change your mind. I just wanna know what's on your mind."

"Um.." CJ thought for a second before speaking. "Think about Tyler. You tell him things that you would never tell me or may never tell me."

"No," Josh shook his head. "I tell you everything."

"I mean.. hypothetically." CJ said. "There's just some things that you would never say to me and some things that you would only tell Tyler. Like if there's an issue between us, you would talk to Tyler about it first and get his advice."

"No," Josh told her. "If there's a problem between us, I go to you first. Because it's me and you, not me, you and Tyler."

"Hypothetically," CJ emphasized. "There are little things that Jenna knows about me that you'll never even begin to understand or things that I may not even know about myself."

Josh was quiet as he listened, wrapping his arm around her, resting his finger tips on her waist band.

"I can mess up around Jenna and she can laugh and forgive me, but if I do something bad enough around you, you could break up with me just like that," CJ explained. "And who would I go to after that? Jenna's basically gone."

"Don't even think about that." Josh told her.

"Like I said," CJ sighed, knowing that explaining it would not make him understand. "It's only hypothetical."

"Still," Josh shook his head. "It makes me nervous and I'm trying so hard not to screw this up."

"You're not screwing it up," CJ told him. "Not at all. In fact, I think you're the one keeping us afloat."

"You make me nervous," Josh stated. "In a good way though. It's just.. what we have, it's so good, and losing that scares the crap out of me."

CJ played with his finger tips, hoping that she would never forget what they felt like.

"I'm so scared to screw it all up and I always think about how slow our relationship is moving, like physically." Josh started.

"What?"

"I'm fine with it," Josh assured her. "Really. I want you to be comfortable, and that's all that matters. Sometime when we start, y'know, getting into it, I always wonder if I'm gonna mess it up. I think so much about what I could be doing wrong."

CJ nodded as she intently listened to his worries.

"I think about whether I'm touching the wrong spots o-or if I'm leaving too many hickeys."

CJ laughed lightly.

"Sometimes I even wonder if I take my shirt off early," Josh shook his head and looked down. "So yeah, I get pretty worried about us."

"Your shirt is usually off anyway." CJ pointed out.

"I mean when I first get here or get home and I just wanna be so close to you." Josh told her.

CJ blushed as she stroked his hand.

"And we um.." Josh blushed just as red as CJ. "Close the gap."

"I understand," CJ nodded. "But I always tell you if something is wrong."

"I know." Josh told her.

"You don't mess anything up," CJ assured him. "Like I always say, you didn't hurt me. And I know you won't."

"Yeah, but what happened-" Josh scoffed in disgust. "I-I just wanna protect you."

"That happened and it sucks, but there's absolutely nothing you could've done." CJ set him straight. "If I wasn't drinking, it wouldn't have happened-"

"Stop," Josh told her. "You can't think like that."

"But it's true," CJ tried to persuade him. "I could've been strong enough to stop him and push him off o-or bite him, I don't know."

"You can't blame yourself, baby." Josh reminded her. "He did that. You didn't ask for that. You didn't tell him it was okay. It doesn't matter how drunk you were. What he did - that's on him. Not you."

CJ simply shook her head in disagreement, but pulled him close.

"I know you don't believe it, but.." Josh paused. "You will one day."