Primrose Millie thirlwall (jam fan fiction)

Chapter 51

I'd been awake for over 2 weeks now and I was allowed to go home today. Today I was going 'home' but not to our family home where we spent our days with our lovely kids, no I was going back to Leigh's with Perrie without my kids, life was a little tough right now. 

'You're discharged' Julie my nurse said 'thank you for everything, thank you for saving her' Perrie said whilst hugging her 'i wish you never saved me' I mumbled and Julie just wrapped me in the biggest hug 'you're the strongest little hen I have ever come across, you'll get through this. Take each day as comes and you'll smash it, believe me I know what I'm talking about' she said and I just nodded, she'd experienced this and grief that comes along with it 'remember you still have another child that needs her mummy' she told me as I pulled away and I just nodded and left the ward leaving Perrie to get the bags. Pixie was allowed home last week so she'd already been out a week before me and Rory hadn't been to visit because I didn't want him too. We climbed out the car at Leigh's and I just swallowed a big lump, this was it, this was my life from now on, no house, no kids, just me.  I walked into Leigh's and sat down, everything was silent, well everything apart from Matilda chasing round after a toddling Alessia, my heart ached because Matilda was a few months older than my Violet and Alessia wasn't much older than Ruex and that would have been them right now except pixie would have been joining in too 'do you want a drink' Leigh asked and I just looked at her and said no the look on my face probably said it all anyways. I looked in Leigh's mirror my eyes were not the brown shade they usually are they were black and lost and my face was very pale I looked ridiculous but I had to stop being so hard on myself I'd been through a huge ordeal. 

Hours had passed, we'd had our tea as us northerners called it but Leigh calls its dinner, I think the kids ate more than I did. I was now just looking around my new bedroom, it was only temporary until our place was done, the bed was made perfectly and my stuff well new stuff was on a rail Perrie had been and replaced my wardrobe because obviously I'd lost everything. I sat on the bed and swung my feet round so I was lying down, I felt lost, utterly and completely lost, I had no house, no belongings, no phone and no kids, I'd lost everything in that fire I'd lost my whole entire life and reason for living and I didn't even know if I wanted to face Rory and pixie ever again at this moment in time. I shut my eyes and let tears drop out one by one, it was okay to cry it's always ok to cry never feel bad for crying. The door opened slightly but I didn't move, it was Leigh I could see her still 'awk come here' she said and laid next to me and wrapped her arms round me tight 'I am so sorry you're going through all of this' she said and missed my cheek 'auntie Leigh..I'm used to heartache i really am from my younger days...but this...this is something different, I mean everyone I love I loose is it karma for how I acted when I was younger, I mean can anyone blame me the way I was back then...I'm a messed up child Leigh now it's biting me in the arse well and truly this world is a horrible place, I've been through shit from a young age, I then loose my dad that hurt because I wanted to know him more, I then lost Levi I loved him SO much Leigh, then Rori...I never wanted a sibling and now she's gone was that karma...my mum I kind of lost her and now my kids...the only reasons I was living, I lost them just like that, the pain is  unreal I never thought it could be this bad with dad,Levi and Rori I saw a way out, a way through the days but now I don't I can't see anything but a blur' I sobbed 'you'll get by, with our help you honestly will...those babies know how much you loved them and did for them they'll never forget that and they spent their last living moments with their mummy. Don't beat yourself up you did the best you can and we are all here to help you on your good days and your bad days' she said and I felt comfort but the pain wouldn't ever leave me, of course it wouldn't. We laid in silence for a little bit and it was nice 'the real reason I came up is because Rory is downstairs with a little visitor who really wants her mummy' she told me and I forced myself up I'd not seen him for a week, I felt sick because I didn't know what I wanted right now could we really carry on and be a family after what's happened, I mean I suppose we could he's supposed to help me right, this could work and pixie I'm all she's known since she was younger she needed me obviously. I walked down slowly and there he was just stood with the biggest bouquet of flowers in his hands his face was tear stained but he was here and for some reason my heart was fluttering and what I said upstairs about not seeing him suddenly disappeared and I loved him like I've never loved him before, I rushed over and wrapped my arms round him and the tears and the sound of his crying filled the room 'I love you' I told him 'I love you too. So much we will get through this' he said and his sobs broke my heart 'how have you been holding up, I've been out of it you've had to deal with it from the start and me...I gave you grief as soon as I found out I feel awful I do' I said 'you are bound to, don't blame yourself. Erm I'm doing better babe, they had the best send offs I promise' he said and kissed my hand 'can you take me to see them' I asked and he looked at perrie, I was furious that I didn't get to say goodbye but it wasn't anyone's fault 'please' I begged and she nodded 'thankyou' I said 'no longer than half hour though you need rest' she told him and he nodded.