Knowing You're There

Chapter 25

“Is there a heaven for dogs?” I asked. 

“Lia, I don’t know what you mean by that,” it said.  “Would you like me to search the web?” 

I sighed and put the phone down, then picked it up again and called Kurt.  It rang and rang.  When I heard his voicemail, I called again.  There was a muffled sound after the third ring. 

“Hello?” he said.  His voice was groggy and muffled. 

“It’s me,” I said. 

“Oh, Lia!  How are you, sweetie?”

“Well it’s after midnight and I can’t sleep,” I said.  “That should pretty much sum it up.” 

“Yeah, I figured.” He yawned.  “Star’s appointment is at what time tomorrow?” 

“Eleven.” 

“Okay, and you know that I will be texting you the entire time,” he said.  “Do you want to do anything after?  I definitely want to physically be with you after that.” 

“How would he do that?  You’re at the coffee shop.” I said.

“Do you want to just come over?  We can sit and talk and have lots of hot chocolate.” He paused.  “Oh, and I can hold you and give you tons of kisses too.” 

I smiled in the darkness.  “That sounds perfect.  I’ll have my parents bring me over.” 

My parents came to my door the next morning around ten.  I got dressed and sat with Star in the living room until it was time to go.  It was a struggle to get her off the bed.  I hugged her and tried to encourage her as I put her leash on and we brought her to the car.  Emmit said goodbye to us and wished us luck, his behind still parked on the couch fighting pillow monsters. 

Mom and Dad were pretty talkative in the car.  They went back and forth about what errands had to be done before my break was over.  Star put her head on my lap.  I leaned mine on top of hers, wiping her fur when my tears fell onto it.  Out the window, I couldn’t feel any sunlight coming in.  The day was as dark physically as it was emotionally. 

The vet was noisy that morning.  A smaller dog was yipping like crazy when we walked in and sat down.  Star leaned against my legs.  She was shaking.  I pet her head, then felt my phone vibrate.  I pulled it out of my pocket. 

“New message from Kurt,” it said.  “Lia, I hope everything it OK.  I love you so much.  You will get through this sweetheart.” 

I exhaled and put the phone into my coat pocket.  Star put her head in my lap.  At the time, I was divided.  Of course, I didn’t want the nurse to come and take Star away from me, but it seemed like anything could’ve been better than waiting. 

“How are you doing?” Dad asked. 

“I just want this to be over,” I said. 

“The lady at the front desk said one of the nurses will be out to take her back soon,” Mom said. 

I held onto Star.  In a few minutes I wouldn’t be able to hug her.  Never again would my hand wrap around the bar of her harness or slip her pieces of food at lunch.  My legs would be dry from her slobber.  I could no longer laugh when Mom complained about finding her hairballs on the floor. 

Footsteps went back and forth.  The little dog was still yipping across the room.  Every time I heard a nurse going by, I just hoped that they wouldn’t stop by us.  Then, of course, after who knows how long, one of them did. 

“Hi, are you the Thomas family?” she asked. 

“We are,” Dad said. 

“Alright.  My name is Katie, and I’ll be bringing Star back today,” she said, shaking my hand.  “Before I take her, I just need to know what your plans are for post-euthanization.” 

“I’ve decided on cremation,” I said. 

It wasn’t hard to choose.  I’d rather have my dog with me, even if she was just ashes in a box.  Anything that would’ve prevented me from thinking about her rotting under the ground in a dog cemetery, being eaten by worms and whatever else.  I heard Katie scribbling on her clipboard. 

“Okay.  We’ll just call you when they’re ready and you can just come right back here to pick them up,” Katie said.  “I’ll take her now.” 

I put my head close to Star’s.  She started coughing like she was about to throw up again.  She gagged, but I didn’t hear anything hit the floor. 

“Okay, this is it Star,” I said to her, trying to hold back tears.  “You were so good to me.  I couldn’t have asked for a better guide dog.  You’ll be in a better place soon—you won’t be hurting anymore.  I love you, girl.”  I kissed the top of her head and handed Katie her leash.  “You can go ahead.” 

“I’ll be back out in a few minutes,” she said. 

I heard her toes click away into the distance.  That was it.  Star was gone and never coming back, ever.  My parent’s scooted closer to me.  I dabbed at my eyes with the tissue I brought.  They were dry. 

“How are you feeling?” Dad asked. 

“I really don’t know.” 

“You…don’t know?” Mom asked. 

“I guess I just can’t describe it,” I said.  “All I can tell you is that my eyes are dry.  I can’t cry anymore.”