Introverted Hearts // Josh Dun

chapter twenty two :: house vs home

CJ shook her head. "We can get a pizza but no movie. I can't. I have work and school, so.."

" Yeah," Jenna was hesitant, knowing very well that CJ's classes ended while she was with Josh. "Okay. Maybe another night."

"Yeah." CJ smiled.

"I'll order," Jenna told her. "Half and half?"

"Yeah," CJ nodded. "I'll pay you back."

"J," Jenna laughed lightly. "Since when do we pay each other back?"

CJ was silent, simply glaring at Jenna.

"Right." Jenna nodded, her hopeful smile fading away.

"I'll be in my room."

Once she heard the bedroom door shut, Jenna leaned up against the counter and squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting tears to escape.

"I was thinking that we could eat together." Jenna suggested when their dinner arrived. "I wanna catch up. We could talk about whatever you want."

"Which is nothing." CJ said, not even glancing at Jenna as she put her pizza on her plate.

"CJ," Jenna whined. "I miss you."

"I know," CJ grabbed a soda from the fridge. "But I have homework-"

"You don't," Jenna sighed as she pointed to the calendar on the fridge. "You marked it so that you knew when you could relax a little. Your classes ended when you were with Josh."

CJ was silent.

"We're living together again," Jenna told her. "You need to trust me."

"Trust you?" CJ said, starting to laugh. "I'm trying my hardest to forgive you, let alone trust you."

"I know-" Jenna was quiet.

"I'll be in my room." CJ told Jenna as she gathered her stuff and slammed her door.

CJ ate her dinner. It was the first time she was eating alone since she stayed with Josh. He always made sure they ate together. He wanted her to feel comfortable eating around him. He wanted her to feel comfortable living with him.

She wanted to call him. She missed being able to talk to him whenever she wanted, except when he was at practice or a show, which was why she could not talk to him now. She stared at their messages, contemplating whether or not she should say something.

He was practicing, so she thought that he would like a sweet message for when he was done, but she also did not want to interrupt him. She decided to not text him at all. Besides, she did not want that feeling in the pit of her stomach after sending a risky message, though she knew she should not worry about sending a risky text because they were already together.

In the middle of the night, CJ was awoken from a nightmare. This particular one featured only really grunts, the occasional flashes of light.

CJ sobbed as she rocked back and forth.

"J?" Jenna knocked on the door lightly. "Are you okay?"

CJ did not answer. Her breath was caught in her throat.

"Just breathe, okay?" Jenna sat next to her and tried to pull her close.

"S-Stop!" CJ pushes her away. "You need to stop trying to help!"

Jenna was speechless.

"I-I can do it by myself," CJ sobbed. "Go."

"CJ-"

"Go!" CJ yelled, her voice breaking.

Just as Jenna left, CJ's phone began ringing. She saw Josh's picture on her screen. She remember when he took it. It was a late night. CJ was finishing her school work. Josh was sitting behind her, his arms wrapped around her torso while she typed away.

"Let me see your phone." Josh told her.

"Why?"

"Because I wanna take a picture." Josh replied as if it was obvious.

So, Josh rested his chin on her shoulder and leaned his head against hers, smiling hard with his squinty eyes. CJ looked annoyed, but she cropped herself out so that it was only Josh with her favorite smile.

"Shit." She whispered to herself as she quickly wiped her eyes and blew her nose. She practiced saying hello a few times so that Josh would not recognize that she had been crying.

"Hey." CJ finally a answered, followed by a sniffle.

"Hey, baby," Josh yawned. "I know it's late."

"It's okay," CJ nodded. "I was about to call you anyway."

"I was trying to fall asleep without having to talk to you, but uh, my brain just can't focus." Josh told her.

"Mine either," CJ laid down once again and set her phone next to her. "I miss sleeping next to you. The bed feels too big."

"I know," Josh agreed. "I'm so used to staying on one side now.

"And you're always so warm so a blanket isn't always necessary." CJ smiled.

"Keep talking, babe." Josh yawned.

"Okay," CJ sniffled once more and began to ramble. "I'm looking at the stars on my ceiling right now and I wish they were real. I wish you were looking with me."

"I wish I was too."

CJ did not want to ask him to come over. She did not want him to worry about how quickly she had changed from wanting to forgive Jenna to not even wanting to look at her. Moving back in was a lot easier said than done. So she kept rambling, not worrying about herself.

After about half an hour of speaking, she stopped.

"Josh?" She called his name, just to make sure he was asleep. "I hope you're not awake to hear this because I don't want you to worry, but I gotta get this out. This is just a house, Josh. This is just where I reside. I eat and I sleep, but I don't live. It used to be a home. Jenna and I were best friends, but now I can hardly look at her without thinking about how she saw me and why she kept it from me.

"I want a home, baby. This isn't a home. I've cried twice since you've dropped me off. These nightmares-" CJ wiped her eyes, trying her best not to start sobbing again. "It's hard without you and it hasn't even been a full night."

Just as she expected, Josh did not answer her. Only his light snores sounded.

"I love you, baby." CJ whispered. "Goodnight."