Introverted Hearts // Josh Dun

chapter twenty one :: cj's turn

"What did you wanna talk about?" Josh asked in the car.

"About Jenna." CJ quietly replied.

"Are you okay?" Josh asked again.

"No," CJ shook her head. "Tonight was.. a lot to handle."

"I can tell," Josh replied. "Your hands are clammy."

"I'm sorry." CJ apologized.

"S'okay," Josh told her, rubbing her hand with his thumb while his other hand gripped the steering wheel. "So what about Jenna?"

"I miss her," CJ stated. "A lot."

"Of course you do," Josh said. "She was your best friend."

"I wanna move back in with her."

"What?" Josh took his eyes off the road for a second. "You wanna move back in with her?"

"This is why I didn't wanna say anything earlier." CJ shook her head.

"You wanna move back in with somebody who lied to you for years about something so serious?" Josh tried to reason with her.

"She didn't just lie for fun, Josh," CJ argued. "She lied because she was trying to protect me."

"Are you serious, CJ?" Josh asked, the agitation growing in his voice.

"It wasn't her intention to hurt me," CJ told him. "If anything, I would've been better off not knowing."

"J," Josh tried to calm himself down. "I pushed her to tell you."

"You should've never done that!" CJ argued. "Do you know what it feels like?! Do you know how it feels to wanna love you but I physically can't because I get flashbacks whenever we go farther than kissing? That's why we always have to stop."

"CJ-"

"I'm not finished," CJ continued, her voice breaking. "Do you know how it feels when I can't breathe and I still feel his hands around my neck? You don't. Because you weren't raped, Josh. Your virginity wasn't stolen by some drunk boy at a party who didn't even take long enough to know what you look like. You didn't have an unfamiliar body pressed against yours o-or an unfamiliar tongue shoved in your mouth. Nobody bit your lip hard enough to bleed. Nobody ever choked you to silence you screams. Nobody has ever forced their body parts into you even after you screamed and resisted. You just don't know, Josh, and I wish that I didn't either."

CJ, at that point, was practically downing in her own tears.

"I'm sorry, baby." Josh had pulled over at that point. He was rubbing his girlfriend's back as she sobbed. He knew that she had been holding those thoughts in for a while.

"I don't wanna know anymore." CJ muttered between sobs.

Josh could not offer his sympathies because he knew they would not help. He was confused. He did not understand why she was mad at Jenna at first for not saying anything, but now she was mad at him for getting Jenna to tell her.

***

"Do you wanna go back now?" Josh asked CJ, who was coming down from her sadness, as he laid down next to her. Josh had taken a shower, giving both of them time to cool off from their argument in the car.

"No," CJ shook her head. "You're tired."

"But you're sad." Josh reasoned. "You need to be with the people you love when you're hurting like this."

"I am." CJ snuggled up to Josh.

"You love me?" Josh wrapped his arms around her.

"Yeah," CJ nodded. "I do. I really do."

"I love you too." Josh said with a sweet smile on his lips before he placed a kiss on the top of her head.

"I'm not mad at you, y'know."

"No?" Josh looked down at her.

"No," CJ placed a light kiss on his bare chest. "Or else I wouldn't be cuddle with you."

"But you were mad in the car."

"Not at you," CJ repeated. "I'm mad at the boy who did it. You and Jenna aren't at fault. You wanted to tell me the truth and she wanted to protect me. I can't really be mad at either of you for that."

Josh was silent.

"I know you don't like that-"

"I like Jenna," Josh interrupted her. "I really do, but it just throws me off that she kept it from you."

"Well, no offense, but this isn't your decision to make." CJ told him. "You don't need to like Jenna for me to still be her best friend. She helped me, Josh. She was years of therapy for me. I can't just throw that all away over some stupid secret that was only kept because she wanted to protect me."

"Are you sure?"

"I've had a lot of time to think," CJ said. "When you practice and go to your shows I think about it all the time. Not just Jenna, but also him and what should happen."

"Do you wanna take it to court?" Josh asked.

"No," CJ laughed lightly as if the answer to his question was obvious. "There's no evidence. They would say it's my fault because I was drunk and it was three years ago. They can't convict anybody with that. Besides, I have no idea who he is. And nobody, not even a jury, would believe a drunk college girl with a history of mental illness."

"Jenna saw it." Josh told her.

"Jenna found me," CJ replied. "Nobody saw what happened. It looked like rape, but nobody can be positive except for me and the boy who did it."

"If you're positive, then why won't it work?"

"Because there's no DNA. There's no pictures of my bruises. There's no rape kit." CJ let out an exasperated sigh. "There's nothing to incriminate him."

Josh hugged her tight, whispering quiet sorry's.

"It's not your fault," CJ told him. "You and Jenna aren't to blame."

"I can always comfort you, y'know?" Josh started. "I can always make you feel better, but I feel useless right now because there's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can say to make you feel better."

"Being here for me makes it a million times better, even if there's nothing you can do."

"I'm just so angry," Josh said. "It's not fair, the way they treat victims. They need to realize that accusations need to be taken more seriously because this isn't just boys being boys. It's predators that are loose in school and the workplace and just anywhere in general."

"Nobody asks people who were robbed what they were wearing or if they asked for it. They aren't even doubted." CJ pointed out. "I just wanna be taken seriously."

"I believe you."