The Murderer

What I Miss The Most

You know what I miss the most about when I was younger with not a single care in the world?

What do you miss the most about being younger? They asked me.

How I used to wake up in the mornings loving myself. The girl that used to love life no matter what had happened in it or to her. Like she just didn't care, and I miss that so damn much.
I miss being the girl who didn't care about how she looked when we went places, and just wore whatever she liked best, and no one cared, the girl who laughed at everything she thought was funny and worth the laugh. The girl that always spoke her mind when she needed to and didn't get ignored or laughed at or even told that her opinion didn't matter, because she's a kid and doesn't know anything about life.
The girl that only got called out with things when she needed to be and was given guidance on what to say. The girl who wasn't called names or made fun of or constantly being told what she's doing wrong. That absolutely amazing little girl who didn't need anything or anyone to "fix" her or "change" her or anything. The girl who saw everything going on but just blew it off because it didn't involve her needing to know what was wrong, and who loved being out and with people. The little girl that just loved life and didn't care about anything unless she needed to, like taking care of herself, her family and her friends. The little girl who didn't have to take care of a whole lot of responsibilities, or had so much expected out of her.

Instead, now I'm that little girl that's all grown up. I don't wake up in the mornings loving myself anymore. I don't love life like I used to, especially when certain things happen to me. I care way too damn much about how I look when I go out places. I don't always laugh anymore, unless it's super funny, and if it isn't I sometimes just force out a laugh, just for everyone else. I don't and most of the time can't speak my mind anymore, especially now because I actually have an opinion with things that others wouldn't necessarily agree with me on, or get extremely offended by what I have to say. Now I just get ignored since I'm only 15 and don't know anything about life apparently. Instead now, I'm constantly getting called out for things that I shouldn't even be getting called out on because I'm not the only one, instead of giving me guidance. Now I get called names, like a lot and some of them are just plain awful. And I became the girl who it took out on her skin and blamed herself for it and always said that she deserved it. Now I'm the girl that everyone thinks they need to "help or fix me" and change the real me. Now I see every little thing that happens and just pretend that I don't. I don't always love being out anymore because I get bullied or have people stare and talk about me. I don't love life anymore and it really sucks. The only thing I do care for anymore is taking care of my friends and family rather than taking care of myself because I don't want to. Now I have hella responsibilities to take care of which come with getting older, and now I have so damn much expected out of me and it sucks.
I just miss being little and now having to worry about life 24/7 and being able to love myself, but I'm in a world where that's hard to do. Everyday, I make the choice to change that, where I try my best to love myself no matter what, and be me. I take it day by day and it's how I will have to live now, but that's okay with me.
Because of how I am now, I killed the girl that I used to be. But I'm trying my best to bring her back in any way that I can because I miss her. I miss the old me.

Wow, that's insane. I never knew how life was for you. they all said. I'm so sorry.