i wonder
if i'm wasting time,
thinking about him this much.
i wonder if
one day—
when my hair is grey and you can see the
veins in my hands through my fragile skin and smell cloves and memories on my breath—
i'll regret the years i spent
refusing the universe when it was offered to me
because he was already everything beautiful i thought i needed.
right now
i know i can't bear the thought of him being out of my head.
he is
pure ocean salt and sweetness
a dream of courage and a warrior
stepping only in the spaces between the flowers on his battlefield:
the softest kind of anger
you can imagine.
he is
the kind of laughter that takes the breath from your lungs and
he is
the moon when it's time to sleep.
i want to talk about everything with him. everything that
pains me everything that
pins me down everything that tells me i'm not good enough
i want to hear him tell me about colours and the things that make him feel safe
so i can paint him a picture of a universe where he can be okay.
he
is
everything i know about the future
he
is
the first thing i learned how to fall in love with, without any doubts.
he
is
shaky fingers pressing the keys of a piano
the navy blue lingering in the sky at the end of a long day
and everything i've ever lost
coming back to me.
one day
when my hair is grey
he will be the one thing that i won't forget.
he will be
the one thing i could never regret.
the thing that makes me feel safe
even when i am so close
to dying.
