i havent moved out of my bed in 5 days.
i hate myself so much.
the way i act, the way i look.. oh my god. the fucking way i look. im so fat. i disgust myself. my body makes me sick. i cant been seen in public.
people keep asking me to go to the beach with them. i tell them i dont have bathers, which is shocking to hear from an australian who used to love swimming. i havent gone swimming in over a year. i havent worn bathers in over a year.
im so scared. im scared to try on bathers. i dont know what size i am. bathers terrify me. they cling onto your skin, exposing every inch of you. exposing every single insecurity. people tell me to just wear a shirt and shorts. but what the fuck. i dont want to wear that. people would think im weird. also even wearing any clothes scares me.
every day when i get up to get dressed, i cry. i cry my eyes out. i look in the mirror and all i can do is cry. it hurts. i wipe the tears away and tell myself to love myself.
i force myself to believe.
i say i hate fake people, but im the only fake person i know.
i lie to myself every day.
