My mother used to be my role model.
Many years ago, when I was naive and gullible to believe that my mom was indeed perfect. The way she had people falling down to their feet when she walked past by them, her extraordinary beauty that had men chasing after her constantly and seeing her as the cover of Vogue's magazines.
I had aspired to be that way.
Until I matured enough to see the real her.
The overly insecure girl who would drink away her pain and take it out on me, a sobbing mess as my father would go and cheat on her with one of his mistresses.
She is fragile as glass, any little word would break her into pieces.
Two years ago, I tried to help her. I got every little thing that she loved, when it came to her favorite snacks, movies and paintings. I told her how beautiful I thought she was and how when it came to men, she deserved the absolute best and that my father never deserved her for a second.
A genuine smile is what she gave me, putting down her glass of wine and holding me tight into her arms as I inhaled her sweet aroma.
My father destroyed her.
Today is the day he comes back after one of his many long business trips. He flies around a lot as he attends fashion shows to support his clients that are wearing the designs that he made. Then he stays an extra set of days to mess around with girls, as usual.
My mom decided to throw a welcome home party, inviting most of his close friends and family members that actually wanted to see him.
Sad to say his side of the family doesn't like to see him, he's a self centered asshole.
My mother had ordered the chefs to cook his favorite meals and desserts, while she tried to fix the decorations trying to make them perfectly as possible.
Instantly my heart broke for her as she would put in so much effort into their marriage yet nothing would ever change. Everyone now inside were either holding punch to drink or an alcoholic beverage.
I tapped mom's shoulder pulling her out of her trance. She quickly turned around meeting my eyes and I saw the worry in hers. "Mom. It's okay, everything is perfect here."
"I suppose so. Do I look alright? Not ugly? Is my hair okay-"
I placed down my drink on the nearest table and set my hands on her shoulders, "Stop it. You're beautiful mom, you know damn well you see every guy falling over for your youthful attractive looks. You don't even look forty. I would've mistaken you as twenty five."
Mom lightly laughed and she agreed. When she went to go talk to her friends, my mood darken instantly. I hated being here, it's like i'm trapped inside of a box and can never escape this life. Everything replays, always the same.
I did not want to see my father just a simple look over at him makes me want to throw up my martini.
Everything became silent when we saw car headlights brightly beaming from the window, then went dark. A couple seconds later the door swung open revealing that sick son of a bitch.
"Surprise!" Everyone yelled except me, going over to greet him.
It's sad that I didn't feel very comforting in my own home, and wanted to leave as soon as possible. Itching to throw off this tight red lace dress and the fake happiness that i've been displaying.
I turned around to go upstairs but froze in place when I heard his rough loud voice. "Katalina! You're not going to greet your father?"
Nobody spoke and I felt the whole room's eyes on me. I forced out a smile, going back down the stairs. "Sorry daddy. I just wanted our guests to have the chance to talk to you first."
"Give me a hug, I missed you!" Father said opening up his arms and everyone who greeted him, went to make conversations with others. I walked over to him and hugged him, tears threatening to spill out as I didn't smell the familiar cologne but a chanel perfume instead. Father's tall frame compared to my tiny one, he slightly bent down to reach my head level.
"Don't you ever fucking disrespect or embarrass me in front of our family and friends ever again." Dad whispered in my ear and as a response I nodded, too scared to even speak. I swallowed the hard lump in my throat, secretly wanting my father's affection for once.
I walked over to a table and sat next to Mom. When she noticed my presence her eyebrows furrowed, already knowing that i'm upset. "What did he say?"
"It's not what he said it's just- nevermind."
"Tell me."
"It's just he decided to visit a mistress of his earlier instead of coming home to his family." I lowly said not wanting to see Mom's reaction.
When minutes passed by I decided to look over at her direction and noticed tears sliding down her cheeks. Mom got up from her seat and told me "I'm going to go to my room for a little bit.".
No matter the amount of times someone tells her that Father went to go some female she would take it harder.
Father came up to me and asked for Mom's whereabouts.
"Probably fucking some guy better than you." I replied not thinking about the words that flew out of my mouth. It registered in my mind and I slapped my palm on my mouth. "I'm so-"
Father grabbed my dress, pulling me up out of my seat and I heard the tear of the fabric. "You think I fucking believe that? She's worthless without me and so are you! Show me some fucking respect!"
The V-line of my dress teared down, revealing my strapless bra. No fucks were given as the guests watched from afar.
"We're better without you! You manwhore! All you do is fuck girl after girl instead of take care of your own family. I shouldn't even consider you my own dad because of how pathetic you are." I spat, punching his chest and tears rushing down.
Father dodged my hit and tightly grabbed my wrists, slamming me on the nearest wall. "You dare try to embarrass me again? Want to know why I don't come home? Because every fucking time I look at you, it reminds me of the time that you were a mistake. Unwanted."
My heart broke.
I whimpered when his grip got harder, most likely leaving bruises. I couldn't respond to what he said but instead give endless amounts of tears. I watched as Father ended the party and the guests leaving.
This whole time it was my fault. I'm just a mistake.
When everyone left I ran up to my room and weeped, staring at the handprints on my wrist. It shouted worthless at me.
The door to my room knocked. "Baby girl. I promise I didn't mean that, I let the anger get the best of me. I love you so much, you're my little blessing."
Lies is what I wanted to say, but my mouth refused to open nor my body to get up and unlock the door. I wanted to hug him and say I love you too and that I forgave him but I couldn't.
Who could forgive someone who was constantly in and out of your life? Hurting Mom all the time and you the most.
I desperately wanted a family where they were brought together. A mother and father that are happy with each other, seeing the love in their eyes and me complaining about them kissing in front of me.
That's what I wanted.
Not a broken one.
Not one where all we do is pretend to be happy to the photographers, seeing the comments on my instagram posts of girls saying how lucky I was.
I would laugh out loud to each positive one that were so blind sided by everything online, instantly believing that my pictures were showing real happiness.
I threw off my ruined dress, and wiped off the makeup that were smudged all over my face from the amount of crying.
When I finished brushing my teeth, I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling. Too afraid to see what was to come for tomorrow. Will Father be calm by then or more enraged?
**
