Lust

chapter one

Dear Diary,

Another day, another cut.
At this point, I don't even feel it anymore. It feels more like a small scratch you get from a cat or something. After a while, you seem quite... comfortable with it. You want it to stop, but at the same time, you know you can't. You want to get rid of this feeling, but it's all that you know, it's all you find familiar, so you can't release it from your feeble grasp.

Most days, I sit in bed, questioning my purpose. Purpose for putting forth effort, purpose for trying, purpose for fucking existing. I have no choice but to breathe, it's an involuntary bodily function. My heart continues to beat without my consent. My tears build up in my eyes the way despair builds up in my soul.

I never chose this life, it chose me. I didn't choose to feel these things, but now I'm stuck with it. I just want it all to stop...

Why can't it just stop? All I want in life is to feel... normal. I want to feel like other kids my age. The only problems they have are best friends stealing makeup and boyfriends. Why can't I be like that? Why is it so fucking hard to just be normal!?

Why can't I feel what they feel? They feel happiness, love, acceptance. All I feel is self-hatred, insecurity, insanity. Why am I so different from them? Was I just wired wrong? Too many screws in my head loose?

I guess I'll never know...

-Alex