I open my eyes, looking at my bedroom ceiling. I roll over in bed with a muttered curse, pulling the quilt over my head, displacing my sleeping cat. Disgruntled, she hops into the windowsill. I burrow further down into my bed and stare at the stitching on the inside of the quilt my grandmother made me so many years ago, wondering when I'll stop dreaming about him.
We broke up in February. Well, he broke my heart in February, if you want to be technical- the breakup hit me completely out of the blue.
It's September now. Seven months. Seven MONTHS.
He moved on less than two weeks later, to his new 18 year old girlfriend, and I'm still here dreaming about him. I don't even know how to go about getting the dreams to stop. Sometimes they're good dreams, sometimes they're bad. Sometimes we're together again, sometimes we're not, sometimes he's with his new girlfriend. Sometimes I'm running away from him, sometimes I'm trying to find him. Sometimes I'm pregnant with his child. Sometimes they make no sense, sometimes they're hyper realistic...like this one about him in the hospital. I put my hand to my chest- it's like I can still feel his head resting heavily against me, his cheek on my skin, his tears. I can still feel his hair as I run my fingers through it. But it wasn't real.
No matter what I dream about him, I never wake up feeling good. His appearances in my dreams get my days off to a very strange start- a bad mood cocktail of wanting to scream, cry, break something, and missing him so much that it hurts. All over a figment of my unconscious imagination.
I roll onto my back, throw the covers off and stare blankly at the ceiling again. My cat jumps down, walking over to me and settling in on my chest, purring in anticipation of her 5 minutes of morning attention before I get up and stumble to the kitchen make coffee after yet another night of poor quality sleep. I look at my phone, glowing on its charger across the room. I want to text him, to make sure he's alright. In addition to all the icky feelings dreams of him bring, dreaming of him being hospitalized makes me worry if he's ok. Because despite my best efforts, I still care about. I talk myself out of it for now, knowing it'll haunt me all day.
