Why the Straight One? | Book 1 | bxb

Entry 20 - "Next Time I'll Just Slap You."

It also might interest you to know that you aren't as big of a deal as you think. When I wake up to someone crying out in the night, I don't care who that is, my first reaction is to try and comfort them. This isn't about me being attracted to you. That was me being a normal human being!"

"Look, I'm sorry I said that last thing, but I don't feel comfortable with you laying that close to me."

"I'm sick and tired of hearing what you are comfortably with! I'm sorry that you don't like guys, and I'm sorry that you had to give up your girl, but I'm sick of it.

Stop having nightmares then or something! What would you do if you woke up to me muttering and in some sort of mental anguish?" He didn't answer, his eyes dropping to the floor to not meet mine.

"Oh, I forgot, you would never comfort another man. How gay! And we all know that Prince Thomas is anything but that.

Well, while we're on the subject of things that make people uncomfortable. Has it ever occurred to you that this is uncomfortable for me? That maybe I don't want to feel the way I do? That I hate that I have feelings for you, and I hate that you very obviously don't have any for me?"

Tears filled my eyes, and I cursed myself for letting my emotions show so easily. Thomas was looking at me now, mouth slightly open, as if he were about to say something.

"And I hate that you won't even try! You know we are stuck with each other forever, possibly. So, what's the matter with me? Am I that unlovable? Am I that disgusting to you that even me laying by you makes you that uncomfortable?"

I hadn't meant to say all that, but it was as if something he said triggered the river of insecurities, that I'd tried so hard to overcome, to begin its course through me.

"You're not—it's not..." He struggled find the right words, my display of emotions obviously upset him, and he looked like he didn't know what to do or say anymore.

"Don't." I held up my hand, embarrassed by the whole situation, and wishing that I was anywhere but here. Crying in front Thomas. "It doesn't matter."

I tried to turn away, but he grabbed my arm. I looked up at him sharply, and I saw something in his eyes that I'd never seen before.

"Alex, I'm sorry. I've hurt you, and I don't know how to make it better. I never meant to make you feel like that. Like you weren't worthy of love. You are. I just-I can't be that person."

We were standing close now, his hand still holding onto my arm.

"Why not?" I whispered, suddenly aware of the closeness of our faces, of our eyes, our mouths. "Why not, Thomas?"

"I don't like-"

"I'm not men. I don't want you to love or be attracted to men...just me." 

I brought my other hand up to touch his cheek, and for the first time, he didn't tense at the contact. His dark eyes met mine, and I could see the turmoil deep inside of them.

But he didn't back away when I leaned in closer to him, and when my lips met his, he didn't pull away.

I moved my lips against his, and felt a thrill of joy me when I felt him kiss back. It was slow and hesitant, both of us very aware of what this moment could mean.

I brought my other hand up to his chest, and his arms wrapped around me, pulling me closer towards him.

My mind was in a daze, my lips on fire. I could have melted in his arms if I hadn't had to pull away for air.

"Alex." He whispered, and the way he said my name was enough to make knees go weak. For months I'd longed for him to kiss me like this, to say my name like I was the only one he would ever care for.

I should have known it was all too good to be true.

When I looked into his eyes, I knew something was wrong. He was blinking, as if he had just woken from a daze, his body tensing against mine. And suddenly his arms were no longer about me. He took a step back, a unreadable expression on his face.

"I-I'm sorry."

And with that, he hurried out of our room, leaving me standing alone.