There's Still Hope

21 Guns Blazin'

Avery's POV

I sat with my back ruler straight thankful for the dark glasses hiding my bloodshot eyes. Makeup had not been possible. Sleep hadn't even crossed my mind the last few days. I had almost prayed for a dark and stormy day to suit my mood. But no, it was a blazing, beautiful June day here in Georgia. God had even blessed on us that it wasn't too hot today. I couldn't feel any of it. I was numb from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. If I heard "I'm so sorry" one more time I was fairly sure I would scream. That was if I could get any emotion other than crying out. My eyes narrowed at the flag draped coffin ten feet in front of me.

I had felt it all since that doctor had stepped into that waiting room the other morning. Shock, anger, and overwhelming grief. Declan and I had been together off and on since we were seventeen. Friends for longer than that. Lifting my free hand that wasn't entwined with Nora's shaking one, I wrapped my hand around the set of dog tags hanging around my neck. Ashley reached her hand over laying a hand on my arm as tears slipped down my cheek unchecked. Four tours of duty, bar brawls with the boys when we were younger, a bullet wound to his shoulder, twisted knee from landing wrong after parachuting into an undisclosed to me location and falling asleep at the wheel takes him out.

The man I thought at this point after eleven years together was ten feet tall and bullet proof was taken from me like this. I expected if this day were to come in our younger years it would be the Army giving me the news, not some doctor stepping into a waiting room with a sorrowful look on his face. How did I go on and live my life from here? We had just barely gotten started on the plans we had. Just celebrated our first wedding anniversary a few months ago.

The first sound of gunfire from the honor detail made me jump as a fresh wave of tears slipped over. A hand landed on each of my shoulders in a tight grip as the one on my arm rubbed softly. Nora let go of my hand to cling to James sobbing. Ashley laced her fingers with mine sniffling as she raised our linked hands to rest under Eli's that was on my shoulder. I lifted my left hand to grip Brantley's that was resting on my other shoulder tightly. The three of them had gotten me through life so far. I wanted to have faith they could get me through this.

Other than quiet sniffles, there wasn't a sound, not even the summer breeze blowing as "Taps" started to play sending what felt like the final arrow to my heart. Declan was really gone and there was no brining him back. It felt like an out of body experience as I watched the flag being lifted, then folded, and saluted before handed to the officer who turned sharply on his heel walking over to me. He sank to his knee in front of me. I slowly eased my shaking hands down to my lap. He gently sat the flag in my lap his eyes full of condolence as he started to speak.

"On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Army and a grateful nation," he said gruffly. I bit my bottom lip hard trying to keep from sobbing. "Please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your husband's honorable and faithful service."

I clutched the flag to my chest with a whimper as he saluted. Knowing what was coming next, had me leaning my head on Ashley's shoulder crying brokenly. Through blurry eyes I watched Brantley and Eli lay Declan's leather vest on the top of his gleaming mahogany casket. Even with Dec's deployments and Brantley's now busy schedule, they would fit in one boys only bike trip a year. It had always been something that other than a ride once in a while, that Declan had kept separate from me.

I was pretty sure it was a way to work through some of the things he had seen or dealt with on his deployments. Was something that had bonded them more as friends. It had made them brothers. Both of them walked back over to me leaning down to brush a soft kiss on my cheek before stepping back. The funeral director addressed the crowd, but I had no earthly clue what he was saying.

I sat blankly staring as people walked by shaking my in-laws' hands, offering words of comfort, but it was like none of it registered to me. All I could do was look at the gleaming wooden box that would soon be six feet under the ground. Gone would be the lips that twisted up in a half smirk when he really wanted me to do something. Gone would be the light blue eyes that lit up with a laugh and glowed when Dec leaned down to kiss me. The strong arms that I ached to hold me at the end of the day all those months apart, wouldn't do so again. How was I going to do this? A gentle hand cupping my cheek made me look up to see Mama Becky standing there giving me a sad smile.

She didn't say a word but leaned over to give me a quick hug and a soft kiss on the cheek. Without a word, I knew the look she gave me meant that if I needed her, she would only be a phone call away. I vaguely heard Nora telling me it was time to leave but I couldn't bring myself to move. I remember wanting to run away after my parents' funeral was over with. I had completely skipped out on the visitation afterwards making Declan take me to the first bar we could find. All of twenty years old at the time and I hadn't even known how to handle it then. I'd pushed Dec away for a while only to have him come stomping back in my life when he'd come back home on leave.

What worried me was the anger I felt brewing under the weight of the grief. Twenty-eight years old and I was a widow. I had to get it together to make it through the rest of the day. I vaguely was aware of a figure sitting down beside me. A warm, rough hand rested over mine that was locked onto the flag in my lap. I closed my eyes as the breeze stirred then making the familiar cologne paired with the scent of leather and cigarettes waft around me. Of course, Ashley would send Brantley after me. She wanted a good laugh if I was far enough into my grief to hit him.

It had happened only one time in all my years of knowing him. We all had been a little past tipsy our freshman year at a bonfire at Potts. B had thought it would be hilarious to smack my ass as I walked by. I had just broken up with a jackass senior that had been cheating on me, so I was in no mood to play. I whirled around balling my fast up just like the boys had taught me and nailed B right in the jaw sending him tumbling off the ice chest. Declan had fallen over along with him laughing like a hyena. Ashley still swore to this day she needed to have had a camera ready.

"It's time to go Aves," Brantley told me softly. I slowly turned my head looking at him. His black hat pulled low over his forehead and dark glasses covering his eyes. But I knew they were only hiding a pair of green eyes as red rimmed as mine. Pushing to his feet, he held a big hand down for me. "Come on darlin. Let's get you out of here. Maybe finally eat something okay."

I nodded numbly as I let him pull me to my feet. A hand rested on the middle of my back as he guided me towards Ashley's SUV that Eli was leaning against standing guard. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head as we got closer then opened the back door without a word as I climbed in tucking the ankle length black dress up so I wouldn't trip. I closed my eyes as the other doors closed knowing Eli and Brantley had climbed in as the vehicle started to move. I was so tired, but I knew sleep wasn't going to come.

Every time I had tried in the last few days, I drifted off only to see the doctor pulling the sheet back to see Declan with his eyes closed, pale, and a tinge of blood around the edges of the blonde hair he'd kept military regulation short like clockwork. I had reached my hand out smoothing over it longing for the curls I knew would pop out if it was longer. Next thing I knew an orderly had been catching me from fainting to the cold tile floor. So, no matter how tired I was, I couldn't sleep for fear of repeating that over and over. Ashley hadn't left my side since unless I asked her to. But starting tomorrow she needed to get back to her life, especially with my new goddaughter coming soon. Life needed to go on. I just had to figure out how I did that.