Fuck It

Chapter 1

Baz

A massive crash, followed by a stream of curse words wakes me. Great, I guess that means Snow's awake, and he's opened the fucking curtains, again. The sunlight stings my face when I open my eyes to the sight of Snow standing in front of his wardrobe, choosing a shirt. He does this every day, but normally before he showers, not after. Why the hell did he have to shower first? He's only wearing a towel, held low on his waist while the other flicks through the hangers and - Crowley. I'm going to hell, if not for what I'm thinking about Snow, then what I'd like to do to him. It's way too early for me to be thinking these thoughts. His golden skin is glistening with water droplets from his shower - wow, he's even bad at drying himself (I'd gladly help him out) and I can see just the start of his arse - there's a mole there that I'd love to kiss one day, if he'd just let me, but of course not. Snow thinks I'm evil incarnate. He might not actually be that wrong there, I am pretty evil, but Snow also thinks I hate him, when in reality I really, really don't.

"Baz?"

"What the fuck do you want Snow?" I snarl, hating that he'd think of speaking to me when I haven't showered and my hair is standing on all ends.

"Nothing, it's just you're staring and I wish you would stop," Snow says gruffly, pathetically. Everything he does is pathetic, I'm weak for him.

I've been in love with this moron for long enough - I could just tell him (how long do people usually wait before confessing their love?). I'm sick of sharing a room with him, I just want to be gone from this world. There's nothing fucking worse than sharing a room with Snow, he has no sense of boundaries and I think he does it just to mess with me.

There's nothing worse than sharing a room with your worst enemy. They're always there and you never get a minute of peace (to plot their downfall). I'm pretty sure there's nothing worse than sharing a room with the boy you're head over heels in love with - it hurts all the time; you see them shirtless and they're never doing it for you, (that's just how they sleep) you see them tired, angry, frustrated and you only end up wanting them more. Unrequited love fucking kills, especially when you're in love with Snow.

At least if I tell him, I'll get to die. He'll go straight to the mage and fucking destroy me and Simon fucking Snow will have finally purged the world of me. It'll be a bloody fucking mess; my family wants me to marry a nice posh girl and they fucking hate Snow and everything he stands for: he's the Mage's heir and the Mage is tearing apart my mother's legacy, one bullshit reform at the time.

But if I tell him, it'll be the end of me, and then I won't have to worry about this shitty fucking crush on Snow anymore, I'll be gone and that's all I need right now. The end of the world is all I want right now. I want the feeling of his skin against mine, the ache in my teeth before they pop, the glint of his sword arcing through the air, the last thing I ever see. I dream about it constantly.

Morgana, I knew Snow would be the one to end me or I'd be the one to end him but I actually fucking need him to end me. Father doesn't talk about my being gay at all - and I know well what that particular kind of silence means. We're going to pretend you aren't and you're going to go with it. If he knew I'm hopelessly in love with Snow, he'd sell me out unhesitatingly.

Besides, Snow is straight and he loathes everything about me - he'll never want anything to do this. And if I don't do something soon, the Old Families will make me kill him, and I can't live with his blood on my hands. Besides, I'm so twisted that the idea of Snow ripping me to shreds and ending my miserable goddamn life turns me on. I imagine a scenario where he's standing over me, poised to stab me with that sword of his (Not like that) and there's blood everywhere but he's still beautiful.

I'm just going to have to tell him. Get it over with.

He's re-tying it for the fifth time today and I give up. He looks so angry at everything and that's a little bit hot too. I can't win.

And now he can't even tie his own fucking tie - is this seriously what i think will finish me off? Crowley, I am pathetic. And he's dumb and butchering the job he's doing of trying to

tie it.

"Snow," I sigh, loving the taste of his name in my mouth when I'm not snarling it. His head jerks up.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Let me tie your tie." I swear, I sound like I'm begging - is this really what Snow has reduced me to?

I just want to be near him.

"Fucking fine," He shouts and I hate the frustration in his voice, I'm just trying to be nice but he thinks I'm being a dick and I don't know how much longer I can go on hurting Snow. I'd be nice to him if it didn't mean I'd attach myself to his lips and never let go.

I step out of bed, smoothing my hair out of my face and being sure to keep my mouth shut- Snow doesn't need to smell the stale blood on my breath. I step as close to him as I dare and get to work on his tie with sure fingers, even if I have to clench my teeth to keep them from shaking.

When I'm done he storms out of the room, presumably off to breakfast and his girlfriend.

Wellbelove is another fucking issue in my love for Snow - he's got a girlfriend, and I've been trying to break them up for the past couple of years but nothing has worked and Snow (the idiot) thinks I want Agatha. I really fucked up in pretending to flirt with Agatha - now Snow's never going to believe my complete queerness, even if he did want me.

And that's the biggest issue, isn't it. If he loves me. If only. If, if, if.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. This has been the worst start to a day I've had in a while. I want to die, killed by Snow, the two of us covered in blood. I want to feed, blood slipping its way down my neck. I want Snow, that's all I really want, Simon. Goddamn. Snow.

I need a cold shower. I need to fucking calm down and not think about Snow and blood and Snow and I, covered in blood. I need to be stopped.

It takes me half an hour to calm down enough to go to breakfast, and even then I am confused and kind of horny and unable to stop myself from thinking about him, a broken record playing on loop inside me.

Simon

Why did Baz want to tie my tie for me this morning? What in hell's name was he thinking there? He was definitely plotting. I don't think he cares enough about the anathema to not strangle me with his own tie - I can tell that Baz 100% hates his life. But then again, I was going to be late to breakfast soon so I needed his help. I like my scones to be hot when I eat them.

"Fucking fine!" I spat at him, annoyance stirring my magic and making me even more irritable.

He came and stood in front of me, close, too fucking close, so close I could feel his breath on my face and as he expertly tied my tie around my neck in about two seconds. Of fucking course he did, he's the most perfect person I know and I hate him for it.

"Ugh. Thank you." I grunted out, before stalking down to breakfast in a fucking awful snit.

Penny could tell I'm in a bad mood of course; my magic is so close that I'm smoking, but when my only response to her asking what's up is "Baz", she rolls her eyes and turns to Agatha, chatting with her instead. Baz is late down to breakfast and can't stop staring at Agatha. I know he likes her, but maybe he could keep his eyes off my girlfriend a little more, you know, just to be polite. To piss him off, I throw my arm around and kiss her cheek her while keeping eye contact with Baz the entire time. His lip twists and he looks away, finally, down at his breakfast.

His plate is nearly empty.

Fucking vampire.

A/N

Thanks so much to my incredible beta @nerdflighter on tumblr for being great