Monstrous (Avengers Fanfic)

I'm Okay

As of right now, I'm working on a basic outline of the rest of my story.

It's been hard to muster up motivation and inspiration, but I'm going to try my damnedest to finish this, for you - the readers' - sakes.

Thank you for sticking with me for so long.

I wrote this at 4 am yesterday and it's very personal.

It also might double as a bit of a vague explanation as to why I sometimes go months without writing or posting.

I don't know why but I want to share this with someone, so please give it a chance and don't skip it. It's not very long, but for me, it's very meaningful.

If you read it, once you've read it, you'll understand why you guys are really the only audience I can share something like this with.

Don't misunderstand, I don't want your pity and it's not as bad as you might think, but sometimes it just gets a little hard and writing this...I don't know, maybe helped me vent? I'm not sure.

Just...be kind. Please.

"I'm Okay"

Every day I lie

Ten times ten thousand times

Some to myself

But mostly to others

Mainly to the ones I love

Every day they ask me

"Are you okay?"

And every day I lie

"I'm okay."

Some of it is selfish

Because I hate pity

And false understanding

Like it'll help somehow

To say you're sorry

Like it's anyone's fault

That I am this way

Like anyone can help

Make it go away

But a lot of it is not for me

But for the ones I love

For the ones who ask

Out of care

And not guilt or obligation

And though I love them

Still I lie

Ten times ten thousand times

Because I love them

They know I lie

They see the lines

Around my eyes

They know I'm hurting

Still they ask

And still they nod

When I say I'm fine

Because if I told the truth

It would make it worse

The knowledge

But lack of ability to help

The tireless nights

In which they worry

But can do nothing else

If I tell the truth

If I stop lying

For their sake

And for mine

The dam would break

And suddenly

The weight of knowledge

Upon their shoulders

Would grow by the tonne

So I lie

Every day I say

"Only a little" "I'm okay.

"I'm fine" "I'll survive.

"I can live with it."

But sometimes

It becomes too much

And I can't live with it

So I cry

In a dark room

I sit alone and allow myself

To cry, and wallow

And say

"I'm not okay."