Why the Straight One? | Book 1 | bxb

Entry 15 - Way to Make Things Awkward

"Because I want to go to bed, but you still have the light on. It's my happy medium."

"Your such a bad liar, Alex." I felt him start to pull at the pillow, and held on to it for dear life.

"I never lie! Let go of the pillow!" He chuckled, but only pulled harder.

"Why? Are you afraid of what I'll see?"

Now, these are the times that I really didn't get him. He acted like this, and it only made things worse. He was adorable, and I had to keep my distance. Sure, we could mess around like this, but it was never anything more.

"Well, this face has been the cause of many a broken heart, so yes. I keep this pillow here out of kindness towards you."

"Oh I see. Well, thank you."

"Welcome." He let go of the pillow, and I relaxed my hold on it.

Just when I thought he had gone back to reading or something, I felt the pillow being pulled away from my face, only to see Thomas' face inches from mine.

"There. That's wasn't so hard now, was it?" He grinned.

For once in my life, I didn't have a quick reply. I was speechless, staring up at him. I took in every detail, from his dark brows to the teeth marks I could still see on his bottom lip from when he was biting it earlier. I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I knew I couldn't. There were no cameras, so there would be no affection.

He seemed to realize what was happening, and pulled away from me quickly.

"I'm sorry." I blinked and shook my head, trying to pull myself out of the trancelike state I had fallen into.

"I forgot that this might actually mean something to you. Or like, you might start...having feelings for me or something. I'm sorry, I should have thought about you more."

"It's-it's fine." There was a strange weight on my heart. A feeling I'd never felt before. Sure, I'd liked people before, but I'd never felt anything like this.

This was the first time in our time together that it dawned on me. I might have to feel like this forever. An aching longing for someone who was so close to me, but would never care for me. Not like that.

"No really." I was looking anywhere but at him. I was highly embarrassed and hurt. I just want to roll over and be forgotten. He touched my shoulder, and I turned to look into his concerned eyes.

"This is hard on both of us in entirely different ways. This whole time I've been thinking about how hard it is for me to be married to someone I don't have feelings for, but I never stopped to consider..."

"I know you don't now, but-"

"Alex, no."

"Never?" I sounded desperate and needy and I knew it, but I didn't care.

"Alex." The gentleness of his tone hurt. He was trying to soften the blow, but it still hurt. I told my myself up until now that I could make him love me. Now I didn't know.

"Never mind. I was being stupid." I rolled over, turning my back on him. He sighed, but didn't speak again.

Silence fell between us, and after a few moments I heard the rustling of his pages as he reopened his book. I endured the silence for a little while longer.

"What time is it?" I could hear him looking around for his phone.

"9:30." I sighed, and threw the covers off of me. Swinging my legs out of bed, I sat up.

"I'll be back soon."

"Alright." He looked at me for a few seconds. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but I turned away before he could. Slipping on my shoes, I headed out of our bedroom, through our apartments, and into the hall.

I tiptoed my way down the hall, trying to remember the way to where I was going, and trying not to be seen in the process. I didn't really want to have to talk to anyone right now.

I reached the door I was looking for, and knocked hesitantly on the door.

"Who's there?"

"It's me. Alex."

"Oh, come in." I opened the door, and was met by Jay's smiling face.

"Hey, what's up?" I sighed and sat on the couch next to him, leaning my head against his shoulder.

"It's just...Thomas." He pulled out his arm from where I was leaning on it, and wrapped it around my shoulders.

"What about him? Is he being a jerk or something? I will kill him if he so much as said something mean to you."

"Not, it's not that. He's not...he'll never love me, Jay." I sniffed, and he immediately turned his body, pulling me into one of his warm hugs.

"Oh Alex, I didn't realize you actually liked him. I'm sorry."

I didn't cry. I wasn't that weak yet. I just buried my face in his neck and let him hug me. Jay's hugs were always the best. No matter how bad things got, his hugs could always make them right.

"Just wait. I'll bet money that someday he will like you a lot more than he does now. Maybe even love you. Just give him a little while to get around to the idea. How could anyone not love you?"

I laughed and took on a deep breath. I was crazy for despairing so easily.

This definitely wasn't over yet.