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My daily rant

I hate my life, with my mom its physical and mental abusive but with my dad it's to much i hate myself and just wish i could not hate myself as much as i do i feel so alone always its like i cant be around my family or a group bigger than at most 7 people i feel like no ones gonna ever be there for my i feel like everyone has let me down like my sister there was a time where id cry being away from her for more than 5 days no i cant be around her for 5 minutes my mother, i love her to death but she knows what she did, shes the reason i cant trust anyone and hate myself my dad makes me feel like a horrible person because of how my attitude is towards everyone but it genuinely something i cant help you cant expect someone to go through my experiences and come out all forgiving and normal like there's nothing wrong with them i dont think ill ever heal due to the simple fact that those m=emotions i felt for those three years was all i  had known i don't expect anyones empathy i am not a family person i never will i just want to do my 4 years of rotc and leave ill support everyone physically but mentally i cant, i'm a loner and i'm ok with that i just wish someone would understand me i think there's something wrong with me i think of death way to much it scares me and i know that my dads trying so hard to break down my walls for the greater good but i wont allow anyone to ever see me for me i guess life does that to you and i don't want this to come off as sad because i am completely ok with not having certain emotions like trust loyalty honor compassion amongst others i think i need a therapist but no one would ever take time out of there own lives to do that and that's ok i'm fine i am going to talk about today what struck an emotion in my i'm not sure what emotion but it made me cry out of anger,sadness,jealousy not sure so i do jrotc and my body was really sore and i have this cousin and hes going to the navy 2moro so i was walking to my dads room and he pushed my so i took my bottle of soap and threw it at his groin, he had then jacked me up against the door and yelled in my face i couldn't tell you what he said because my body was filled with a emotion i know all to well, anger he had then let me down so i went to my dads jacuzzi nd took a epsom salt bath my dad came in there and told me how i couldve ruined his career if i had injuerd him the whole time he was talking i was angry because he had put his hands on me first im really mad he took his side but thats ok i dont care it just made me realise how much of a family person i am not oh and now i got a bruise thanks to him i hate everything cause no matter what its my fault.