A/N; very sadddd. Sorry.
Dear Tyler,
I'm not sure why I decided to write you a letter, and not just tell you. Maybe because this is easier, and allows me to rethink my words a billion times, what wouldnt be really possible in a conversation. Even if it would be a monologue. I actually did that, you know? Restart this letter. I think this is my 12th attempt, and I already doubt tossing this one too (I hate how I started with 'dear'... like you're some random stranger. You're not).
Anyway, i'm writing you and I have a lot to tell you but I don't know where to start. So please don't expect this to make sense, it will probably be all over the place.
First thing I do want to say, is that I miss you. So much. So much it physically hurts, especially at nights. It is like your absence then is even heavier than during the day, and it's already pretty unbearable then. My lungs and heart have a hard time functioning the way they should ever since you decided to leave me.
But I don't blame you. I don't know if it was the right decision fully, but leaving me was the best thing you could do for yourself. I held you back, slowed you down, and kept you from being who you were supposed to be. I was never good enough for you Tyler. So even though I feel suffocated and crushed, i'm glad you left me.
So I guess that is also something I wanted to tell you for a while now. I'm not angry. I was. I was upset. I was disappointed. Hurt. Sometimes I still am, but I am very well aware that I have no right to. It is about you, and you only deserve the best. And that is definitely not me, and never wouldve been.
I gave up feeling sorry for myself, most of the time. It's just no use. I guess what i'm trying to say is, is that i'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't enough.
I'm sorry I somehow made you believe I was.
I shouldve never accepted that you said you loved me. I shouldve rejected it, to keep you from wasting your time, your life on me. You were all that mattered Tyler. Still are. I shouldve put you first, and not myself. I hate myself for what I did.
Sometimes, very rarely, I allow myself to think back at the times that felt so good. And I still dont know why you were so blind, or how I fooled you to be so stupid, but you made me feel so loved. When I was cuddled up to your side, while you watched crime documentaries on tv. How your fingers would run through my hair, that you dyed a different color every couple of weeks. How you could look at me as if I actually was somebody, and how your lips could actually make me feel like somebody too.
You were perfect.
I wasn't. I'm still not.
And that's why you left. I drove you insane. It was unbearable to stay any longer. I pushed you towards the edge and you jumped.
I only wish you had just left me. Just dump the dead weight. It makes sense. But you decided to leave everyone, the whole world. And realizing that I was so awful it made you not just give up on me, but on everyone and everything, is excruciating.
I'm sorry i'm writing you this letter, it is probably best if you never hear from me again. I mean you took extreme measures to finally get rid of me, so trying to contact you again is extremely selfish. And for that I am sorry, after this that will never happen again.
I am not sure if I can go on much longer with this amount of guilt. I thought, or think, about jumping too. But then there is this tiny, tiny chance of meeting you there again, and you deserve better. And I dont deserve to ever be near you again. So i'm going for the ultimate torture. And I'll stay alive. For you.
I love you,
Josh
