angels

interview with myself

What does falling in love feel like?

Sometimes, it feels like skirts and braids and pretty pink.  Octopodes and anime.  Piano and the burning heat of the stage lights and the feeling of running as fast as you can into the sun because oh god, you want to- (He pauses.) Sometimes it feels like water.  You're drowning in a well but you're letting it happen.  You're facedown in a lake.  You are in the ocean, its night time, and seeweed grabs your ankle and its pulling you down, down, down into the darkest part of the sea.  Sometimes it feels like magic.  The moon.  Angels walking barefoot through the forest.  Redwoods.  The cry of a newborn baby.  The smell of rain.  The fireplace burning in a farmhouse. (He laughs.) I could keep going with this one.

That sounds very specific.

You're very perceptive.

Is there anyone you have your eye on right now?

Yes.  No.  Maybe.  I'm not sure.  I feel so differently about everyone that I meet.  Sometimes I don't feel at all.  Sometimes I feel too much.  Its all very confusing.  But I'd say yes.  I am always looking at someone, and right now that someone is you.

Are you sad?

I don't know.  Sometimes I think I only feel feelings because other people tell me to.  I'm depressed...so I guess I'm sad.  But really?  Its more of an emptiness.  A hollow feeling, like something is missing; something I can't quite place.  I don't think I'm normal.

What is normal?

To me?  Getting up, getting ready, going to your 9-5.  Every night you kiss your wife on the head and go to bed early.  Your son is 10.  He's asleep.  You talk more to your coworker Steve than you talk to your own child.  You talk more about golf than you talk about love.  And you're happy.  You're fine with it.  You accept that you've worked all your life to get here.  You went to school.  You went to college, maybe.  It doesn't matter, does it?  Here you are with your boring job and your boring life.  You're satisfied with that.

You're not satisfied with a traditional lifestyle?

The "American Dream" mentality scares me.  Its propaganda.  We've become an army of corporate slaves.  The lower and middle classes are falling further and further behind the 1%.  And most of us just...accept it.  How?  Why? What are you gaining from all of it?  Is it making you whole?  Are you enlightened?  Or do you feel a piece of you missing, like me?

How do you picture enlightenment?

Right now I'm picturing a farm.  A corn field stretches for miles.  A house sits in the middle of all this land.  It has a wrap around porch.  I stand in front of the house.  Its a cloudy day, it might rain.  God stands facing me.  We look each other in the eyes.  It feels like a spaghetti western; like there might be a shootout.  I am calm.  I am Clint Eastwood.  God stares at me and I stare back.  We are equals.  I am not afraid.

What is God to you?

Everything that everyone believes in is the same thing.  Its just energy.  The universe.  There's something out there and it means something.  I don't think the specifics matter.  God could be a tall gray.  God could be plural.  It's not that important because its all the same thing, no matter how you dress it up.  The only way you can be sure is to meet up face to face.

Do you want to meet God?

I think we're avoiding each other.  [God] hasn't been so kind to me in the past.  It would just be awkward if we were in the same room.  I don't think [God] likes me very much. (He laughs.) I don't think we would get along.  I've heard from some people that [God] doesn't like gay people, and I've heard from others that he's an ally.  I've heard conflicting things on a couple issues that directly effect me.  I'm not super comfortable meeting without clearing some stuff up, at least.

You sound crazy, you know that, right?

Yeah, some of the time.  Sometimes I know and sometimes I don't.  It comes and goes in waves.