Unconditionally (Spartacus FANFIC -- Gannicus/Caesar/OC)

Chapter XIX

I started walking down the hall when I could hear Crixus' groans in pain, I wanted to visit the man yet I knew an appearance by me would reach the words of Dominus or Domina. I did not either thinking I either was seeing the man or going against command of Dominus by being down here without reason. I had favor but such a thing was hard to gain yet so easily lost.

"See this is why I believe strongly that you more than just find yourself drawn to me." Varro's voice filled my ears. "You are impossible, you know this." I told him slowly turning to see him.

"I came to see a friend, I had been given information and had to make sure all was right." I lied.

"Is that why you were standing just beyond my cell gazing into the distance?" He questioned me with a smile. "Impossible." I told him again as I made an attempt to start walking again.

"Why beyond me being with wife, do you pursue yet avoid me?" He asked me as my eyes grew wide. "You think I pursue you?" I questioned him as he looked taken aback.

"You don't?" He asked me as I let myself laugh softly.

"Had you not a wife, I would be. You do have a tendency to make me forget my life is chained in servitude. Sometimes not remembering the pain and the bad... helps me sleep if even just for one night." It wasn't a lie, the few moments I let myself believe I could be happy. The years without Gannicus were lonely, and in more ways than just one.

I lost a friend, a companion, trust and love. Sure I had Naevia, Crixus and Barca through those years. Though none of those things replaced the space of Gannicus after he was gone. Naevia did he best to fill the whole after Diona and Melitta and to her credit she did that job beautifully. Yet Crixus and Barca were as brothers, my heart felt as if it were missing half of it.

The sideways glances, and small conversations I was even allowed to have with Varro filled me with small amounts of joy even if they were fleeting moments. The times, he would kiss me or the moment we had been ordered to share in embrace that had only been something I had given to Gannicus. Were fleeting with even moment apart, they were not him.

"I would love to be able to help you forget your pains, you've shared much with me yet always keep me at further than arms reach. You trust me, yet will not let me in...close." He told me as I nodded slightly.

"It is best this way. You are with wife and have a son. I would not ever wish to come between this." I told him as he looked down, "And yet, my wife has done just that on her own. With friend in the market, she thinks I did not know and yet she had done so many times." He told me.

"Varro..." I started to say to him, "Yet, I allowed it. It made her happy and she was still always home once I had been there. She would be a hypocrite not to allow me a few moments of happiness while locked in here, even in it was of my own free will."

"What are you even asking of me Varro?" I questioned him.

"To allow me hope." He told me, "Hope that maybe you will allow me more than just mere glances, or kisses hidden in shadow, but your touch." He told me as he took my hand. The truth of his words about his wife could be just words spoken to get his own way yet, Varro was never a man I had seen to be a liar. His eyes seemed to speak truth, they were filled with sincerity on each word.