Hey Daddy

Letter 3

Hey daddy,

                     How does one continue to live? How does one continue to smile and feign happiness when you’re not here. It’s been a little over a month since you passed and a little over a month since we buried you and seen everyone in the family. It just doesn’t bear thinking about how they’re feeling. Because not only did Craig and I lose our dad, and mum losing her husband but Uncles Tam and Jimmy, Aunts Aggie and Davina lost their youngest brother. It sucks. It just freaking sucks ass. I just wish that you’d managed to live to see at least one of your grandchildren or see Craig or I get married. But, do know, I’m giving my son (if I have any) your name as a middle name. I do want your memory to live on. Whether it be in stories or a middle name in my children. I’m sorry that maybe I’m not being plausible for the time being but I just can’t help but feel like my whole world is turning upside down.

     Bastard-face was back at the door the other day there. He’s demanding that we get out for the fourth of August. 21 days before I turn 20. Strange to think that. I’m turning 20 and you’re not here to see me grow up into an adult. You still matter though. You’ll always matter and wherever you may be, you’ll be with me every step of the way. Love doesn’t describe what you mean to me. You’re my superhero without the cape. You showed me what it was like to be brave without all the asphyxiation. You fought a battle with diabetes for the last 25/26 years and you fought bravely. Never a day goes by that I’m proud of you for every little thing you done to remain positive. Even if the fight was leaving you daily.

    Sadly, I can only remember your last horrid words you spoke. They won’t leave my head and then the events of the whole hospitalisation thing, they keep swarming around my brain. I keep visualising the events gone past. Everything is going so clearly and it’s hard to forget them.

    My next appointment came through for my psychiatrist, and I’m scared. I’m scared in case they up my meds or they put me on completely different ones and I have to go through the motions of the side effects again. You saw how bad I was with the first lot. I don’t wish to go through that again, however, I know that I might have to. I also might end up breaking whenever I go speak to him again. That is what terrifies me. Speaking these feelings that I’m keeping hidden. The constant urge to break out the blades, the suicidal thoughts and the just wanting to be gone. There again, it doesn’t help when the boy you like so badly decides to just shut you out his life without a proper explanation.  He says that it’s the distance but we know that to be false. Most people in long distance relationships have travelled further to meet up with someone. I just don’t even know what to do with myself, and these horrid feelings I’m harbouring. For him. We still talk but it’s not the same anymore. We’ve lost that sort of connectivity. We don’t gel much anymore. And it sucks. I miss him and I miss our all-night chats. There’s no more sending of song lyrics or just talking in general about anything. Pathetic, isn’t it? Yeah.

    I miss you like pooh misses his honey when he’s nowhere near it. I miss you like Scotland misses the sun. Well, that’s a bad analogy to use because when does Scotland ever get sun? Never. Saying that, Scotland has a lot of it right now. I should probably shut up now since I’m rambling on about the weather. Comparing it to how much I miss you. God, Marriann, shut the hell up. Okay, I’ve just told myself to shut up via a word document.

    Mum has so many memories of you but she just misses having you here. Constantly babbling on like a buffoon. Those little stories of you being drunk and being an idiot. Absolutely hilarious. I just hope you’re creating memories with gran and papa up there. If this is what I’m like when you go, how am I going to be when mum goes? I have no idea. I do know that Craig and I will fall apart at the seams. No longer bonded together.

    I’m going to end up like a crazy cat lady with no husband or kids. Just me and my lil ole cats. No one to visit and take care of me. But that’s what happens when you’re overweight and can’t lose it. No one seems to want you. You’re always the loser and the outcast. The one who gets the funny looks. The bad names. That seems to be life right now. Always overcoming odds to be at one with yourself.

   My life has changed for the worst and it’s like you’re not here but still here. I don’t know how to explain everything but I just know that I miss you like the crazy bitch I am. Craig misses you too, he just seems to be turning to the alcohol every second week. Ending up drunk on two glasses of vodka and a couple of cans of strongbow. Idiotic? Definitely. He says he’s having a good time but he’s not really. He’s just trying to forget his problems. We all are but he’s going about it in the wrong way.

   I wish I could say that life is really easy but it’s anything but. It’s hard and confusing. I still keep expecting you to walk through the door with your zimmer and for you to shout, “I’m here.” However, that’ll never happen. I wish it would but it can’t. It’ll never happen. And on top of that, things with Thomas are a little strange. We decided to be friends but we’re still talking like we did when we were deliberating a relationship. The feelings are still creeping up. I just don’t know what to do. Help me? Please?

I love you.

Your loving daughter,

Marriann xx