Hey Daddy

Letter 17

Hey daddy, 

Christmas is coming up, and it marks the third one you've been gone from. I hate this time of year. I hate the second half of the year. Because, you died when the second half was only just beginning. I wish, I wish you could just be able to say goodbye, and not just suddenly and with no warning it was happening. 

I wish I could just have one more Christmas with you. One more childhood memory. Happy times, sitting in the living room, opening presents. Or, Craig and I trying to find them before Xmas. Oh, man, trying to find them was hilarious because you hid them in the most intricate places, or got the neighbours to hide them for you, because we did like to snoop. 

I remember the Christmas dinners, and the desserts afterwards. It's no wonder I'm as fat as I am. Always had to stuff my face then. Then there was boxing day straight after, where came another big meal. I just loved how we weren't a traditional family. We always had steak instead of turkey, but everything else. Apart from the Christmas pudding. Then came the New Year parties. Back then, there wasn't a care in the world with anyone. We just came and gone those nights. Especially when it came to bringing in the millennium. I was only five, but, it was fun. You drinking everyone under the table and being merry as hell. 

I just wish you were here, dad. Here keeping an eye on your friend. He's gone downhill, dad. Badly. And it's like he's not going to be here any longer, because he's just so... broken. Bit like me, but worse. Way worse. I know it's all happened since you've gone, and you couldn't help it that your cry for help was misunderstood. But, a lot of things have happened in these last 2 and a half years. Too much. 

This Christmas, this Sunday, is going to be so weird. So quiet. There's no Zak, no Rosie and no you. Only Cleo making the noise for all 3. Which, itself is weird in its entirety. We've enquired about a new puppy but the guy doesn't know if his dog is pregnant. She's showing the symptoms but not actually fattening out. Like Midnight and Sheba did. Man, you actually felt like Sheba was carrying a horse or a platoon when she was pregnant. You had to watch out when she bumped against you. But, once they were born, what a riot. Chasing them all over the backyard, because they escaped through a hole she'd chewed in the shed. And then me singing puppy love to them. 

Oh what a hoot. 

I want to relive those days. The happier times. The times where we didn't have to worry so much about your health. That we didn't have to watch you like a hawk. 

I just miss you so much. Your smile, your happiness, your laughter. Just to hear that sweet melodic laugh would just be heaven right now. 

Happy Christmas, Dad. Have a good one up there. 

Love, 

Marriann xxx