Acting Out [Student/Teacher, GxG]

The Same Mistakes (Claire)

Rowan was different from her in so many ways, but she'd grown wary of anyone who appeared to be wiser than their years, because it was the exact terminology that had been used to describe her, when in reality, she'd been far from it. She'd been surviving as best she could, but it wasn't wisdom driving her, it was fear. The same fear that had eventually lead her to escapism, and in turn, an addiction to anything that had the power to make her forget the terrifying truth that, when all was said and done, she had no idea who she was or what she was doing. 

Half of her was Klara, a quiet, broken thing, easily overlooked and afraid of her own shadow, and the other half was Claire, glamorous and ambitious; the golden girl with something of the devil inside her. It had been written that there was a frightening look in little Claire Lane's eyes — something unhinged; the mark of a person who was only half-present. 

The morning she read that article, she'd screamed into her pillow until her throat was raw, renting a motorcycle and crashing it in the studio parking lot. If you want crazy, I'll show you crazy, She'd thought, burning with fury, I'll be what you want, but you'd all better be careful what you wish for.

It was almost funny in retrospect, the reporter had actually been right about her. She was half one thing and half another, and when she was alone, she felt like nothing. When no one was watching her, she disappeared.

It was strange to think back on how she'd felt back then — even now, on the midst of a meltdown, she had perspective. Claire had a problem, and she needed to figure out a solution before Rowan returned from Missouri. She understood her emotions well enough to know that she was in a low, and she'd come out of enough of those to recognize that it wouldn't last forever. Objectivity was her most trusted ally in situations like this, but it was proving difficult to remain objective when her feelings were so closely tied with the root of the problem.

She could write off the first time she and Rowan had kissed as a momentary lapse in judgement. The brunette had practically blindsided her, after all. Claire had been expecting her to march over and slap her, but if there was one thing she'd come to learn about Rowan, it was that she was never predictable. She'd kissed her back, that much was true, but if she wanted to rationalize it, she could tell herself that Rowan was drunk and that pushing her off might've upset or embarrassed her. At the time, she thought she hadn't meant anything by it, so in her mind it was better to just pretend she had no memory of it.

The second time was different. She'd taken it too far. She always took it too far, losing herself in the moments when she didn't have to care anymore. Rowan was gorgeous and charismatic beyond belief; for all of her self-deprecation, it was no secret that her looks were an asset. 

With nothing better to do, she'd sat down and watched a couple of her interviews on YouTube — most of them seemed recent, but there were a few where she appeared to be in her mid-teens, and the calculated way she carried herself at such a young age was almost disturbing. Every time she didn't have an answer to a question, she'd give the interviewer one of those disarming smiles or intentionally adjust the low neckline of her dress, distracting them long enough for her to easily talk her way out of it and change the subject. She used her sexuality as a weapon and Claire wouldn't have been surprised if she'd been coached to do exactly that.

Rowan was an adult now, but barely. Claire was tired of fooling around; tired of dating for the sake of being in a relationship, and tired of sleeping around to pass the time. She'd gotten a kick out of it when she was younger, probably because some small part of her still wanted the validation that came from being desired, but she was older now. Keeping up with the revolving door of people coming in and out of her life had gotten exhausting. It felt like she was meeting the same people with different faces, and none of them really saw her. They made her into the woman they wanted and she let them do it with a smile on her face because what was the point of ruining the illusion? She had secrets to keep and people to protect, and she never intended to stick around for long.