Better Now

The NEWS

It's early Novemember, my favorite time of year in Atlanta when the weather is perfect, the air smells of leaves & the holidays are in full force. I still have so many more gifts to get before Christmas so per usual I'm working over time.

Finally, 5pm. My lunch break. I let out a sigh of relief when they call my break over the headset. "Natasha, you can step off it's your lunch break." the DIC Lead calls out.

"You don't have to tell me twice." I said as I took off my walkie & clocked out.

Usually I don't sit with my co-workers in the lunch room but today I really need something more to eat then my usual 155th cup of coffee. So I walked downstairs to the food court to get some Chiptole, today was my cheat day so why not & then proceeded back into the lunch room to sit at the table.

"Tasha is sitting with us?" my co worker gasped and said in an exaggerated tone.

I looked at her with a smirk on my face and laughed "Just for today, don't get used to my royal presence." I said sarcastically as I flipped my hair.

I wasn't great at small talk so it was hard for me with social anxiety to sit there with this group of girls, even though we were cool and talked all the time on the sales floor.

"What's everyone's plans for the Holidays?" my co worker Shari asked.

Everyone took their turn telling all of us their holiday plans, some better then others but that's the grown up life for you.

"How about you Tash?" Danielle asked

It was finally my turn.

"I'm thinking about going back home to New Jersey for a week. Just to see my family."

Everyone gasped.
I was the girl that never took time off, I worked everyday 15hours a day (no exaggeration) with no days off except Easter & Chrismas because they were forced. I have a complex about money, I know what it's like to be broke & I can't put myself back their.

"Good for you!" Danielle said across the table giving me a high five.

I hadn't been home in 3 years, not because I didn't want to go but because of work & money, the problems you don't have to worry about as a kid. 3 years to long. I longed to see my mom and dad, and especially my grandmother. She was my rock, my second mom when I was growing up, my life line. My grandmother had been fighting her 3rd fight with cancer, she was getting chemo & started forgetting things often. I knew I wanted to see her.

I made plans with my mom to come up for Thanksgiving, I was a week away from seeing everyone. My heart was full. I called my mom while I was in the drive through at McDonald's to check up on her and my grandmom, she watched her on Mondays while my pop pop went to choir practice.

"Are you excited to come? Mommoms excited to see you!" my mom squelled in excitement.

"Duh! I'm just not ready for this 18 hour bus drive." I scoffed as I pulled up to the payment window.

"You'll be fine, I'll pick you up from the train station." my mom offered.

She sounded like she was getting annoyed so I asked her to put my mom mom on the phone.

"Hey girl" she said in the sweetest voice.

"Mommom, I'm coming home & your the first person I'm coming to see!" I yelled with a big smile on my face.

"I hearrrrrrd. Your mom told me!" I could hear excitment in her fragile voice.

" & I'm going to take you to your favorite dinner in town, well go shopping at Wal-Mart. Were going to have a night on the town." I joked with her. Knowing she probably couldn't do half of it but I wanted to raise her spirits.

She laughed. I hurried off the phone driving to my next job.

A week had passed & I was finally 4 days from being home in New Jersey eating all my mom's food and binge watching TV.

Its the day before Thanksgiving Eve, it was pouring rain in Atlanta like usual. It was my lunch time so I called my mom like I did everyday.

"Hello." she answered on the first ring.

"Hey ma, what ya doing?" I asked not half paying attention expecting her to tell me she's watching soap operas again.

"I'm at the hospital with mommom, she fell earlier and hit her head on the backdoor while pop pop was taking a shower. She looks funny, she has a big knot on her head but she's fine." she assured me. My mom sounded calm so I laughed with her. My mom mom was the clumsiest of us all.

It was finally 9pm, time to break out of this work jail! I rushed home to my bed where my pitbull Cambria was waiting for me.

"Bed time." I patted the bed for her to come. Cambria is a 40 pound runt pitbull that resembles a piggie, my wild child. She quickly jumped up & worked her way under the blankets near my feet. I passed out.

I woke up at 1am, no reason why. My body just felt awake. I stumbled around my room to get to the light and Sat up in bed. I knew what I needed. I reached for my Jack Skellington bowl & took a hit. The sweet aroma of sour kush filled the air. I was calm again, man anxiety attacks suck. Before I went back to bed I grabbed my phone to take a quick scroll through Instagram when I noticed 4 texts from my dad with 3 texts from my mom, a voicemail from my mom & Facebook's alerts from my aunt to call my mom. They all said the same thing, CALL ME NOW. It was in all caps but I thought nothing of it.

I called my mom & My dad picked up instead.

"Tash..." He sounded like he had been crying but was putting on a serious voice to mask it.

"Yah, what's up? I fell asleep." as I wiped my eyes from grogeyness.

"Mom mom passed away. I'm so sorry." he said & began to cry again.

My heart shattered, I had the worst feeling in my stomach & I unwillingly started to cry.

"What do you mean? She was fine this afternoon, what happened?!" I screamed through my tears.

He put my mom on the phone.

"Baby, She was fine. When I talked to you this afternoon she was fine. The doctors were giving her medicine. They didn't know she was actually bleeding on the brain. When she fell, she fell so hard it made her brain bleed & the doctors couldn't stop it."

At this point I was hysterically crying, gripping on to Cambria rocking back and forth. I looked mental but that was the least of my worries.

My mom continued when she realized I couldn't speak.

"Breathe. Take a deep breath." she said calmly trying to calm me down. "She's at peace now, no more cancer & surgerys. Poppop, Aunt Party & I were right there. She told me she wasn't going to make it to see you & She started to cry. She loved you, she tried her hardest. Pop pop held her hand all the way until the heart monitor stopped. She wasn't alone."

I died inside. My grandparents were together for almost 65 years, they were soul mates. I couldn't understand, I was just 3 days away from seeing her. I hated myself.

I hung up the phone & staired at my ceiling. I was numb. 

I called my boss to tell her & she cried with me. We were close so she was someone I could go to, I let her know I would be moving my travel date earlier because I had to get to New Jersey fast. I wouldn't be able to work Thanksgiving night which was my next shift.

"Travel plans are made. I'm leaving 3am tomorrow on thanksgiving, it says 21 hours. Pick me up at the train station please mom?" I begged when I called her.

"Of course baby, just get here." she said in a dad voice. I could tell she hadn't slept, neither had I.

It was the longest bus ride but I finally touched down in Philly. Thank God. I cried the entire bus ride. I thought all the darkest thoughts, I just wanted to get there already.