The Space Between

Staring Down The Barrel Of A .45

It was strange to me as I held it in my shaking hands. I wasn't afraid, I had just never been so aware of it's weight and texture. The black polymer grip felt cold against the skin on my palms. It was two pounds of absolute and certain finality. I looked down the barrel, there wasn't a light at the end of this tunnel. It was dark. It promised peace. It promised quiet. I picked up the magazine. I only needed one round. I figured a hollow point would do the trick. I slide the magazine into its seat and let out a breath as I heard it click into place. The sound was almost deafening. If we're being completely honest, I felt relieved. The sound continued to ring in my ears, a lullaby of sorts.

I sit the .45 caliber pistol down on the desk and I pick up a pen. This is what it's come to for me. I cannot find an ounce of strength inside my shattered heart to continue this empty journey. Life was never meant to be an arduous task. At least I didn't think so. I press the ball of the pen onto the crisp white paper. I know that I was about to leave in the most dishonest way possible. This note will be all that I leave behind. I watch as my hands start to write. The words don't matter. They're simply a series of letters and spaces accented by punctuation. They mean nothing. Maybe they will bring her comfort, maybe they won't. In a little while, it's simply not going to matter to me anymore. I won't have to endure the consequences of this choice that I have made. She will though, and so will they.

She refused to leave my side. It didn't matter what I said to her, and believe me I said some horrible things, she continued to stay. I tried to push her away, she just refused. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to make her hate me. Once we had buried my father, I was able to escape her close supervision. Nate needed her and just like the good wife, she was there for him. What if I needed her? What if she could stop me from doing what I'm about to do? What then? Would I stop hurting? I doubt it. This was the only logical choice. I had no fight left in me.

I was close to my dad, without him I have no one to guide me. He understood me when no one else did. He's the reason I'm still here. It's almost ironic he's the reason I won't be. He accepted me the way I was and never made me feel bad about myself. It was hard for me when I was younger. I lost myself in the industry. He pulled me back and reminded me who I was. He didn't ask me to be perfect, he just asked me to try. He knew I'd fail sometimes and he was ok with that. He always believed in me. Even when I was broken. He walked me into rehab when I was eighteen and he walked me out four months later. He bought every record I ever made and when I told him I wanted to quit, he made sure that I knew it was ok. It was ok to walk away. It was ok to disappoint the millions of people that loved me. I had to do what was best for me. He would be proud no matter what. I lost all of that when we buried him today. My children will never know him and he will never know them. There was no point to any of it anymore.

I got up and picked up my backpack. I placed the pistol and several towels inside and zipped it up. The towels were intended to allievite the mess. I didn't want to leave any stains. I wasn't going to do it in the house either. I couldn't do that to my mother. I slung the backpack over my shoulder and exited my room. I slowly walked down the stairs. I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. Unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky. Selena spotted me. As soon as her eyes narrowed, I knew she was wondering about the backpack. I was an alcoholic. She assumed I was sneaking booze somewhere. I quickly exited the house and sure enough, I heard her stomping after me.

"Demi!" She said loudly.

"Selena, for the love of god! Leave me alone!" I said angrily.

"What's in the bag?"

"Not your business." I stated as I walked toward the shop.

"The hell it isn't." She snapped. "I'm not going to let you drink yourself to death Demi. I don't care if you end up hating me."