The Space Between

And I Will Swallow My Pride

I woke the next morning with a pounding headache and sore back. I had passed out against the tree. This had become routine for me, waking up hungover. At some point something had to give. I ended things months ago. She had moved on I had not. I slowly lifted myself off the ground and stood. My clothes were slightly damp and my mouth was dry. Today was not going to be a good day. I walked toward the house and Taylor spotted me. She immediately walked toward me with a look of concern.

"Demi. What happened to you." She said touching my arm.

"I fell asleep outside." I said my voice raspy and hoarse.

"More like passed out." She mumbled. "Let's get you inside and cleaned up."

I nodded in response.

She went with me upstairs to my room. I watched as she walked into the bathroom and turned on the tub. She poured some soaps and checked the temperature of the water.

"I think a bath will do you good."

"Thank you." I said as I sat and attempted to unlace my boots. It was hard for me to bend over since my back was stiff.

"Here. Let me." She said kneeling down and untieing them for me. "I'll be downstairs making you some breakfast. Come down when you're finished." She told me.

"Ok." I answered as she walked away.

I slipped out of my clothes and lowered myself into the hot water. It felt good against my skin. I scrubbed my body and washed my hair. I relaxed a couple minutes then I lifted myself out of the water and dried off. I pulled on some sweatpants and a t-shirt then made my way downstairs. Taylor was making me some food. I sat down at the table and watched as she moved around the kitchen. She was making ommlettes and coffee.

"You didn't have to do all this." I said to her.

"I know. I wanted to." She smiled. "You'd do the same for me. I know you're heartbroken right now."

"What?" I asked raising an eyebrow. "I'm not sure I'm following."

"Don't play dumb with me Dem. I know everything. I've known for a while."

"Who told you?"

"Selena. It doesn't matter though, I would have figured out eventually anyway."

"I wonder who else she told." I mumbled.

"No one. Just me. She wanted to leave him you know? She chose you. I don't understand why you left her." She said softly as she placed the ommlettes onto plates.

"I did the right thing Taylor. We never should have started the affair in the first place. It was a mistake."

"Why are you so heartbroken Demi? You guys really had something..."

"Enough!" I snapped. "It's done. I don't want to talk about it anymore. She is married to my little brother. She has a child with him. That's all there is to it. There is nothing else. Whatever we had is dead."

"You're a damn fool." Taylor said as she sat my plate of food in front of me and walked away.

"Dammit." I sighed. I got up from the table and followed her into the den. I found her sitting on the couch. I sat down next to her an took a deep breath. "I'm sorry Taylor."

"I know." She answered.

"I'm not doing good right now. Everything is all jumbled up and I feel so...empty."

"Why did you let her go? She wanted you Dem. I could see it in her eyes."

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't do that to her, or Nate." I said my voice cracking. "I did the right thing Tay. You should have seen her. She was so happy. Their family is perfect."

"You loved her enough to put her happiness over yours." She said softly.

"Yeah. I don't know if she actually loved me in return. She never said it."

"I bet she did. She wouldn't have gotten involved with you if she didn't. That's not who she is."

"It doesn't matter anymore anyway. It's done. I'm going to regret it the rest of my life."

"Selena?" She asked.

"No. I will never regret Selena. I regret walking away. I just want her to be happy and if its with him, then so be it. I just want her to smile and feel loved. I want her to have everything." I said as the tears fell down my cheeks.

"I hope you're right about her being happy. Her eyes would light up every time you entered the room. I notice these things about her. I've known her my whole life. She loved you Demi. It doesn't matter if she said it or not."

"It matters." I said softly. "I'm gonna go lay down. I just can't do this right now." I said as I wiped away the tears.

"You might have walked away from her Demi, but you haven't let her go. Maybe it's time to so that. I don't think you heart can take much more."

"I don't think it can either." I said as I stood an walked away.

I went upstairs to my room and closed the door. I walked over to the window seat and sat down. It was a beautiful day outside but I couldn't feel the suns warmth. In fact, I couldn't really anything but aching my heart. Taylor was right, I had to let her go. I picked up my guitar and started to play.

Memories fade into the silence

Haunting me tonight

With hopes last breath

I take this moment in

It will be that last

When morning breaks

And sunlight takes the pain away

Ever after never came

And I'm still waiting

For a love I'll never have

And all the dreams I've laid to rest

Are ghosts that keep me

After all that I've become

I am only one

I had to stop playing because I broke down and started crying. I was tired of crying. Frustrated I threw the guitar across the room and kicked the wall. I couldn't do this anymore. I roughly wiped the tears away and took a couple deep breaths. I was done crying. I was done hurting. I decided to move on, she after all already had. There was no reason to hold on anymore.