The Space Between

Turn Off All The Lights

"It's not that simple Demi." I say sighing. I'm much too tired to have this conversation right now. "I have to wait until the time is right."

"Do you love me?" She asks.

I hate it when she does that. She knows that I won't go there as long as I'm married to Nate. It's not fair to him.

"Ah, I forgot, you think if you don't say it you're not completely betraying him." She said sarcastically.

"Demi. Stop. If you're going to be an asshole, leave. I don't need this shit right now." I said glaring at her.

"Get some rest Sel." She said standing and leaving the room.

I immediately regretted telling her to leave. I was tired of feeling so confused all the time. I laid there and thought about her the entire time. Once I had finally drifted off to sleep, I woke and felt slightly better. I was surprised to see Taylor sitting in the chair beside my bed.

"Hey." She said with a smile. "You feeling better?" She asked.

"A little." I said yawning. "How long was I asleep?" I asked.

"A couple hours." She told me.

"Is Demi around?" I asked.

"No. She left with Shane about an hour ago. They're headed out with the cattle for a couple days. They're taking them up to the mountains." She told me. "Why?" She asked raising an eyebrow.

"I was just wondering." I said quietly.

"Sel, is there something going on between you two?" She asked her tone careful.

"No...I just..." I closed my eyes and sighed. "I don't know anymore Tay."

"Selena. What are you trying to say?" She asked a confused look on her face.

"Taylor, what I'm about to tell you can never leve this room. Do you understand?"

"Ok. I promise."

"Demi and I have been having an affair." I said slowly.

"Oh my god!" Sel!" Taylor exclaimed. "How long?"

"Since before the wedding." I mumbled.

"Are you fuckin serious?!"

I nodded slowly. "Yes."

"Wow." She said softly. "I had asked her about you two that night we went out to the club. She said that there wasn't anything going on."

"That's the first time it happened." I explained.

"Sweetheart. What are you gonna do?" She asked me with a worried expression on her face.

"I'm going to leave him." I whispered.

"Are you sure?" She asked.

"Yes. I love her Taylor. It hurts me to have to hold back from her."

"You do know she's not exactly a picnic." She warned. "She comes with a set of baggage that's almost unbelievable."

"She's more than that." I said slightly annoyed.

"I'm just warning you. Nate is stable and secure." She stated.

"What if I don't want that Tay? What if I want crazy?" I asked. "She has made me realize that I don't want to settle for safe and secure. I want more."

"Have you told her? She asked.

"Yes. She knows I'm going to leave him."

"That's not what I was asking about." She said. "You haven't told her you're pregnant?"

"Excuse me?" I asked shocked. "I'm not pregnant.

"Really?" She asked surprised. "You have classic symptoms of morning sickness. Have you not seen a doctor about all this puking and lack of energy?"

"No. I just assumed it was stress." I said softly as a feeling of dread spread through my limbs. "Oh my god Tay...what am I goin to do if I'm pregnant..."

"We'll figure that out once we figure out if you're actually pregnant or not. Lets go into town and grab a couple pregnancy tests." She says.

I hadn't even considered pregnancy as an option for what was making me sick. I honestly thought it was the stress and lying that had finally started to take its toll. It was exhausting. I had no idea what I would do if I was pregnant. It changed everything. How would Demi react? How would Nate react? Not only was I going to be asking him for a divorce and oh hey, by the way we're having a baby. I think was the universes way of punishing me for my indiscretions

Taylor and I headed into town, grabbed what we needed at the pharmacy and headed back to the house. I was shaking as I waited for the test results. Taylor gave me a weak smile and grasped my hand. Time seemed to stop as I waited for the results. When the timer went off, I nearly jumped out of my chair. I picked up the stick and my heart sank. It was positive.

I took every single one of the tests. They all said the same thing, positive. Once the shock wore off, I buried my face in my hands and cried. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. Under normal circumstances I would be overjoyed. Instead I was faced with the reality of telling my lover that I was pregnant with my husbands baby. I felt like I had somehow betrayed her.

"Sel." I heard Taylor say as she rubbed small circles on my back. "What are you going to do?" She asked.

"I don't know." I said my voice hoarse.

"Are you going to keep it?" She asked.

"Of course I am!" I snapped. "That's not even an option."

"I'm sorry. I had to ask though. It would be ok of you didn't keep the baby Sel. Things are complicated right now."

"I can't. I just can't get an abortion. I'm a terrible enough person without adding that to the table." I said as the tears slid down my cheeks.

"You're not a terrible person Sel." She said trying to comfort me. "You're just trying to find your way."

"I don't deserve either of them Taylor. Nate is a good man. And Demi...she's everything to me and I can't even say it to her. She gives me everything even though I hold back from her." I said my voice cracking.

"Someone's heart is going break Sel. There's no way around that. You have to make a choice. Either way, you and that baby will be taken of." She said softly. "It's time to let one of them go. Follow your heart."

"What if my heart is wrong?" I ask.

"You will never know unless you try. I'm here for you no matter what."

"I don't know if I can stand losing either of them." I said crying harder.

Taylor pulled me into her arms and held me while I let all of my heartbreak and sorrow flood from my eyes. My heart was slowly breaking and I was a complete mess. There was only one person that I wanted right now, and they weren't here. The only thing that I could about was how I was going to tell her.