my brothers best friend

War

Erica had stayed over last night after I informed her of my plan, I think that she was staying incase I was drunk beyond my wit.  “Paris, as in Paris?” Erica screams at me along with my common sense.  I know that going to Paris will bring back some very painful memories, but it was also bring back some exultant memories of Marc, his family and the life that I used to live there.  In paris life was so simple, I awoke every morning with the man that I loved unconditionally beside me, I had just finished studying the culinary arts in one of the most prestigious culinary schools in the world, and I was working in one of the most exclusive restaurants in Paris.  I was pregnant with Marcs child and I knew exactly what would happen, I would give birth to the bundle of joy, and then Marc and I would get married.  The whole way through my time in Paris my conscience was confident that the decisions that I was making were the right ones, and my inner goddess was more than satisfied with the vast amount of love and care that I was receiving.  Unfortunately, as I look back upon those ‘simpler’ times I realise that I was living oblivious in a fantasy made by my own head.  I was desperate for love and acceptance in a city that I was an outcast in, and if it wasn't for Marc and his convivial family, I would not be the accomplished woman that I am today, but sadly I am an accomplished woman whom has lost the people that she loves most.  

“Yes Erica, Mrs Beaudin, Marcs mother, called and she invited me over for the one year anniversary of his death.”  I felt the suppressed sadness build up inside me, I have not yet mourned since his death as I have been denying it, and now, I just refuse to remember it.

“What about Ethan, are you going to find another boyfriend while you are over there?”  She quizzically asked me.

“I am, I loved him so much and I know that sitting around basking in my own sorrow wont help me move on.”  I said remember all the times that we had together, the hospital, the car after the hospital, the kissing in the rain.  Without him I feel lost, misplaced in this world, he completes me like a piece of a missing puzzle, except he is more than a piece, he is the whole darn puzzle.  

I feel better his morning, less numb from the pain.  I don't know if I could say that I am now seeking renegence, but now I feel like I need to prove myself, I need to show that I am not a blubbering mess.  

“ Um… Ash?” Erica said with worry in her voice.

“ Whats wrong?” 

“Ethan is here.” She said with worry and anger, I could tell she was angry at him, but I wasn’t, I was vengeful.  

“Time to start the plan then, huh?” I said with a smirk on my face, I was weirdly exited for the plan, I wanted him on his knees begging for forgiveness, begging for me to allow him back in my life.  I jumped up from the bed and thanked God that I had showered yesterday before the drama had unfolded.  I quickly tore off my pyjamas and put on the most casual yet sexy summer dress that I owned.  It was a strapped, tight dress that hugged my curves, It clung to me the whole way down my leg until my mid-thigh, were it stopped.  The dress was a beautiful pastel pink colour and it brought out the piercing colour of my vibrant eyes.  My long brown hair was straight down my back, my makeup was minimal and I had my ‘emergency’ wedges on, they are reserved for times when I need my legs to look unbelievable.  I couldn't believe what I was doing, I wouldn't believe that all this had happened in the space of a year, and now I was staring into the barrel of a gun that is my daunting past.

“Ashley, if you’re not ready its ok.  I can tell the doosh to fuck off…”  I giggled loudly at Ericas forwardness, she is so protective and thats why I love her so much.  I could of never dreamed of having a better friend than her, she is so kind and loyal, who needs a boyfriend! I do…I said into myself, my inner, and more honest, self needs to put a sock in it.

“I’m ready, do I look ok?” I asked nervously to Erica, I knew that I looked fine but I needed reassurance. 

“ I would bang you!”  She said jokingly lightening the previous depressed mood.  I flicked my hair, grabbed Erica and made my way down stairs to the emotional grenade that is my gorgeous ex.  I heard their whispering voices in the livingroom, and as soon as I heard Ethans my heart accelerated, it still hadn't accepted that we were over.

“Go up and see how she is doing!”  My brother hissed at him, I could tell that he was trying to not take sides but his protectiveness was showing.

“ I want to, but she probably doesn't want to see me, she is probably a mess!” He retorts, this is the time, this is it! I thought to myself, now or never girl! I cringed at my own thoughts and jumped.

“ Hey guys.” I said casually as Erica and I walked into the living room, Ethan looked awestruck, his mouth dropped to the floor and his eyes showed something that made my heart beat, his eyes showed love. 

“Hey sis, where are you heading, shopping hopefully?” He said obviously not amused with my less than modest clothing choice.

“ Actually we are heading to the beach for a drink.”  Erica cut in, she looked at me giving me strength to look at Ethan.

“Hey.” I simply said to him as I looked him dead in the eye.

“Hey, you look cold, maybe you should go and get changed.”  He said to me, the anger burned inside of me.  How dare HE breakup with me and then demand that I make changes to my wardrobe, and why?  Is it because he doesn't want me to find happiness.  

“ Actually, Ethan, I’m quite warm, hot in fact.  I would change into something cooler but seeing as the stick that you have so delicately put up your ass doesn't like my current outfit, I wont change.  Is that ok good sir?”  I snapped at him and I bowed for emphasis at the last part, he looked so offended and part of me felt guilty for doing that to him, but the rest was jumping up and down.

“I see that you are hunting for a new guy at the beach then?”  He said thinking that he would anger me further, this conversation no-longer involved Erica and Damien, they just looks at each other in complete shock and stood back.

“No, unlike you I can go a while without getting some… well, you got someone pregnant.”  I said and I could see the burn of the whip on his face.

“ Were you not knocked up?” He retorted and I could immediately see the regret on his face, that was beyond a low blow and everyone in the room noticed it.  Damien went to say something but I cut in, I couldn't take this anymore.

“ I was, In Paris, but you already know that.  Erica and I should get going for my goodbye drinks now.”

“Goodbye drinks?” He said with sadness in his voice.

“ Yes, I’m going to Paris.” I snap, turn and walkout of the house with Erica hot on my tail.  I cant believe that I just said that, and I cant believe that I’m going back.  I am no long staring down the barrel of a gun, I am staring down the barrel of a war.