Three Little Birds

Save Me From Myself

"I'm sick of going through the motions. I just want it to end. I want it all to just fucking end." I felt him tense slightly before relaxing at my words. I knew where his mind went but I kept quiet, burrowing further into him. He wrapped his arms more securely around me and breathed me in. I reveled in the feeling of his safety before finally falling asleep.

"Babycakes, will you please go get the stuff out of the oven?" Liz hollered as I passed her. I smiled and nodded, nodded to the people who were paying for the pastries, and vanished into the back room. It has been a week now that I saw my sister for the first time since I was a kid. Considering that, I think I've done a fairly good job at handling myself. My emotions have been rampant, swinging back and forth like a pendulum, and minus one incident two days ago, I've not had a meltdown. I grabbed the pastries from the oven, the warm aroma of baked goods filling my senses and I smiled. As I handed the order to Liz, bagged and ready to go, I smiled too at her, before making fresh pots of coffee.

Liz had been keeping both her eyes on me lately. Not that I could blame her, but I wanted to be alright. I wanted to show her that I was alright. Show them both. I wanted them to see my progress. I wanted them to be proud of me.

The coffee shop was packed with people happily chatting in pairs or groups, some singles sitting alone enjoying their coffee and a book, or with their headphones on watching their laptops. Some were regulars that lived in town or close by, though most were still in the tourist crowd.

Once the fresh pots were made I made myself busy refilling emptying cups before making my way to the back. I leaned against the freezer door and shut my eyes for a moment. We had been going non-stop since opening this morning and the fatigue was pulling at the corners of my subconscious.

"You okay?" I cracked my eyes at Liz and gave her a half-grin.

"Yeah. Just tired." I didn't add the large crowd was starting to eat at me. While I had come a way in my anxieties in general, crowds still made me nervous.

"It is a big crowd today. But everyone is good for now." She checked her watch. "Amelia should be here soon. When she gets here, go on break. Eat something." She narrowed her eyes at me and I grinned, nodding. I had skipped breakfast, much to Liz's chagrin. She smiled back at me before heading back out front. My eyes slipped closed again and I sighed. I found myself slipping back into old habits. Not eating. Not sleeping. Silently I had been reevaluating my whole life up until this point. What else had been kept from me that held such magnitude in changing my life? All these years...

The guilt was also gnawing at me. I knew logically that I shouldn't be making myself feel guilty about the hostility I carried around me for so long about my sister. Logically I knew there was no way for me to know the truth and that with the knowledge I had at the time, my feelings were justified. However when nighttime fell and my thoughts ran in a steady stream from a broken faucet, logic had no role in my thought process.

Both Mykel and Liz noticed the changes in me since I originally saw my sister walk into Mykel's tattoo shop, and more so since she came to the house. They hadn't said anything to me directly...yet...but I knew that they would soon if I didn't snap out of it.

"Mattie, come on, baby, you were doing so well with it. Don't stop now, love." We were in the bedroom. Mine. I stood center, my arms crossed over my chest like a petulant child. I felt like a petulant child.

"No." I wasn't looking at him.

"Mattie, " he said again, though his tone was different now. Soft, gentle as always, though this time with the slightest bit of impatience. At that moment I knew our paradise was coming to an end. He was already getting tired of me. My heart crumbled at the thought. As he saw the tears slide down my face he rubbed his hands up and down my arms. "Baby, we-"