rants + updates + random stuff

aug 03, 2018 || self conscious

so like recently, i felt very... neglected...? i don't think that i have felt this specific way before wherein i felt like a lot of people talk about me? or at least i assume about.

a lot of people have been ignoring me or avoiding me and i don't know whether i did something to them or to someone, or i am just paranoid. i know too that i can't always impress or satisfy everyone and i know that.

whenever i am around people now, i am always on guard of my attitude since i was either : insensitive and not taking things seriously. insensitive in terms of being sometimes (or often rather) straightforward to people.

i have been very stubborn and easily tempered because i've had multiple fights with my family and it was about the stupidest little things like why i was yelling at my parents when all i did was raise my voice since THEY COULDN'T HEAR what i was saying.

i was studying and using the computer but had it at rest (since i was using it for music) since i couldn't focus. my brother told me i looked like an idiot since i was studying in front of an open computer. (when he uses his laptop in front of the open computer????)

but my point is that since i was so frustrated with them, whenever people ask me stuff and i don't want to answer, i'd get very snappy as if i was annoyed at them and they'd feel like i'm on my pms or something.

i have never been so self conscious of my own attitude and i don't like having the obligation to do so. i know that the reason why i had and have to be self conscious is because yes, i'm one of those people that hates when they have bad blood with someone and wants to be liked by everyone.

for me, i can think of it as both 'attention seeker' and 'self proclaimed close' since i like always having someone to share my stories and rants to. that they'd applaud me for the things i did that my family didn't.

i really hate having to adjust to fit someone's standard of 'close friend' but my brain just keeps telling me that if i acted how this person wanted me to be, they'd like me even more.

i'm just so sad cause it feels like i can't even tell my friends since they all have their own problems and might even think that i just want everyone's attention. it's not fully true,but it's not true to the extent that everyone sees every little thing that i do and criticize me for it.

i don't know what to do and i just want to curl into a ball and be by myself for a while.