I really need to vent. Trigger warning

You have been warned.

I remember a year or two ago we were in a rock climbing club together. It was in a church for some reason.
But he has a random panic attack and bolted for the balcony. And all I remember what thinking "he's going to jump off."

...
This was either year 7 or 8. Meaning I was 12-13. This is not something that should go through a child's head. This was while it wasn't that bad too!
He's constantly saying how no ones cares about him. Saying he's going to off himself and god knows how much other shit. This is by far the worst of the bunch. Nothing can compare to it because unlike the others, Iv become numb to it. And it scares me.

Iv delt with it so much and so often that everything I say is just a copy of the last thing I said! It going in an out of his ears. He hears but He doesn't listen. Its gotten to the point where sometimes it was just a joke. I laughed it off. What the hell am I doing?!

I am so scared that I'm going to wake up to find him dead. And I'm not going to lie. How this is going. It's the most likely outcome.

I went upto him one day and told him this. How the amount of times this happens it's starting to make me numb. Which makes it so much harder the help others too. And I'll always remember his words.

"Good. That's kinda what I want so when I finally do off my self you won't care."

I honestly can't remember what I said to that.

God.

Dude if you see this. Please. Just. Listen.
I can't Handel this anymore. I'm terrifyed that I'll wake upto,you dead! You say no one cares but can't you see that everyone around you wants to care!? You make it so hard. And I know your life is hard! Your dad is a fucking dirtwipe a know!but please!

Everytime you say nobody cares all I think is that I'm not enough. Because I try so card to stay with you through everything! I can't stand seeing you this wasps and knowing you don't think anyone cares when I'm RIGHT HERE! All your friends are! And like it or not even your parents! Yes your dad can be shit I get it but he's still your dad! He cares about you! Even if he is a homophobe adpnd tansphobe.
What happened for you to become blind? Everyone is here. Stop saying that no one cares! Stop saying that people will be happy when you're dead,! Because guess what?! No. We won't! Even the people who left you will mourn. You have fucking proof that even people who don't know you well or even like you still care about your death. We've already had a death at our school recently. Don't make its two.. please.

We've tried everything. He's tried everything. Nothing works. But I think it's because he isn't letting it work. He has it nailed into his head that no one apcares. He puts it to such an extreme so anyone who does will leave him. And I know this is so so toxic. But if I leave this relationship I'm will never be able to forgive my self. Ever.

If he does off himself.... I don't know what I'll do.

God I want to cry just writing this.

It's just. I thought I was helping. I though I could help you get better. So when you say no one cares. Honestly? There's so many things that go through my head. In one part I'm insulted. Do I mean that little to you that my caring isn't enough? Not noticeable for you? I'm I just another people you don't care about?

Other times I hate my self for not doing more.

Other times I brush it off thinking, it'll be over by morning. That's the numbness kicking in. I hate it. Let it be known every time I think that my own mental state deteriorates.

There's just too much. I can't Handel it but I refuse to leave. I. Won't. Leave. You.

Fucking like it or not I care for you. And if you can't see that then do be it. It won't stop me from trying to help you because I believe for every bad this that happens, something good has to happen too.

Iv told you before and I'll say it again. Suiside it a long term solution to a short term problem. Yes maybe this will forever be a stain of your life but so what? You can say you got through it! You can help others who struggle with stuff like that! Just please. Trust me.

I'm not a professional. Far from it but from all of this shit I want to be able to think that I atleast helped. That this entire struggle wasn't for nothing!

Now. I want to say problems that's happening me me specifically.
I don't deal with stress well. Though Iv never been diagnosed (except once) I'm sure Iv developed some forms of similar mental disorders to my friends,

(I had originally typed some stuff bout anger issues and how I was worried for my mental state because I didn't somthing concerning out of pure boredom but I don't feel like it belongs here so I deleted it.)

I. Constantly changing how I see things. Sometimes I feel nothing. I'm numb to it. And other times i just can't Handel it and have a breakdown. More of the ladder recently because I hate myself when I'm numb.

Aparsntly I was diagnosed with a form of anxiety? We went to the doctors but I wasn't really listening because I didn't want to be there at all. But my mum told me the doctor said I had anxiety.
This one, though Iv not been diagnosed, wouldn't be a surprise. There's a chance I might had some form of depression? My family have said it before. Specifically my sister.
I have moments when I feel nothing and times where I feel every single negative emotion all at once. There's times where I just can't find any reason to get out of bed for hours. The only way I can is I tell my self I'll hate my self even more if I waste more time.

I get stressed way too easily and have no real way to get rid on it. I have to go outside but I can't. My mindset is unless you end up somewhere else or didn't somthing productive on the way, it's a waste of time and I should hate myself for it. So walks are out of the questions.
I don't have any motivation to do anything. And when I do, normally when I sit down to do it, It vanishes.

I'll sit around and watch videos all day, then by the time it hits 6-7 I'll sit there wanting to cry thinking "look at you. You wasted a whole day. Doing nothing. You could have atleast gotten out of bead you lazy shit"

And surprise surprise. I'd hate myself more.

I try so hard to not have this mentality but it's kinda hard when so much bad shit is happening. But half the time I find away to distract from it and others I just cry for an hour or so.

Iv got some other more physical problems. Or habits more like. I wouldn't call it self harm.. at least it's not intentional. Just a habit but any time in nervous or stressed or scared I'll start scratching my arm so much that it leave marks for days, Iv even gotten scars from it. Very faint but they're there.
Also have a habit of biting my own hand and/ or fingers in stressful situations. I don't know why? It just happened.

I don't let anyone know about this. Or I try not to. My mum knows about my stress problems and that's about it. I bottle it al, up because I don't want y friends to deal with my shit on top of there's. I want to be the one there for them. Not the other way around.

God an hour later and 3000 words later and I give up. I can't continue writing this.

I'm sorry for this I needed to get it out. I'm sorry if anyone mentioned here finds this.

If anyone has advise PLEASE. Anything would help.

It's now 3:40 Am

I'm out

Bye