blueberries

1

"Working late?" The light comes on in the room and the sudden question rudely interrupts you from your diligent typing. You blink your burning eyes slowly, brought back to reality. Glancing down quickly at the time you realize it's ten pm, but oh, there's still plenty to do. You don't look up to see who has asked for your attention, because you already know.

"Yes. I'm trying to catch up." You answer him half-heartedly.

"Wow, you sure work hard Y/N." He strides over and leans against your desk, peering over your shoulder at the page of words. Your fingers fly across the keys, Olympic racers they are.

"Did you eat?" It's a question you're expecting from him, one that causes you to halt your work and find a suitable answer that will keep you from lying and get rid of your clingy coworker. Truth is, you have eaten. You've gone out with your boss for dinner and eaten more than you have in years. Just for the raise.

"I'm okay. Thanks, Dongmin." You twist your head to smile at the handsome man looking back at you. He looks worried, like he always does every time he comes to your desk. Of all the coworkers in the entire corporation, this young intern is the only one who gives you these looks. You hate it, honestly. He makes you uncomfortable and uneasy. You hate making him worry and making him concerned and you'd much rather have him not care. You'd much rather have no one care, and stay completely separated from anyone. Some might call you overly introverted.

"I thought you might say that." Dongmin sighs lightly and sets a small white lunch bag on your desk. He folds his arms, still watching you.

"What is it?"

"Something to eat, obviously." A small laugh escapes him when he sees your confusion. You sigh heavily and push it away,

"Thank you, but I can't take this."

"Yes you can. Eat it." Dongmin insists and pushes it back, causing you to close your eyes and clench your teeth in frustration. He's making a hard night harder. Without another word, you turn back to your work. Better to ignore him than acknowledge him.

"Yah." Your monitor screen goes black. Another sigh as Dongmin grins at you. He picks up the lunch bag and opens it, pulling out several containers. He goes further to open the lids and reveal cabbage kimchi, udon noodles, and little apples sliced into hearts. Your stomach rumbles and you swallow to hide the feeling.

"Eat." Dongmin says, smiling in satisfaction as he sits on your desk.

"How are you supposed to finish your work if you haven't eating anything for the past ten hours?"

"I'm not hungry."

Dongmin scoffs and picks up a little plastic spoon, taking some of the rice and the kimchi and holding it up the big spoonful.

"I made it myself." He smiles again, charmingly. You swallow the feeling in your throat.

"One bite, and you'll leave me alone?"

"Deal." Dongmin agrees instantly, looking happy as you accept the bite of food. He waits, smiling. You chew it, swallow it, and wince. Dongmin makes a face.

"What? Is it that gross?"

"No, it's good." It's not a lie, the food is good. You push the rest of it away and turn on your monitor again. Your mind swings back into the words as your fingers touch the keys. You're back into world of your work and you're so focused that you can't even remember hearing Dongmin tell you goodnight.

Several minutes after he leaves and you're stumbling to the bathroom, holding both hands over your mouth. Your stomach churns and twists over itself. Hurrying to the nearest toilet you heave everything up. Your supper, lunch, and that single bite of rice is gone, just as always. The taste of gall in your mouth is welcoming, now that your stomach is no longer angry. You stand shakily after gaining your breath and wash your face vigorously at the sink. Words come back to you as you look back into the mirror.

"She's so skinny, I'm so jealous!"

"Man, if only I could be like her!"

You hate hearing those words. Those people that don't understand, that can't see beyond typical human perception. The world is an ignorant place, you've found. But somehow, you're thankful that it is, because if it wasn't there'd be so much that they'd know about you.

You turn the light off again as you return to your office, feeling exhaustion pile heavily on you again. You can't remember the last time you had more than five hours of sleep. Work takes up so much of your time. You sink into your swivel chair, weary eyes staring back at the screen. Your gaze travels slowly down to the framed photo next to the overflowing cup of pens. Purple, red and blue sequins glow dully in the lamplight. You smiled weakly at it, feeling better somehow.

After finishing the scriptwriting and several more paperwork assignments you clock out at midnight. The last bus rolls to a stop and you board it, finding a seat in one of the many empty ones. The light was left on in your apartment when you unlocked the door. You tiptoe through the empty kitchen and past the discarded cans of beer. You sigh again as the familiar sight befalls your tired eyes again. Your best friend lays slumped on the sofa, surrounded by trash and beer cans. She's out cold but the TV plays on, droning constantly about news and weather and boring cooking shows. You throw your bag to the coffee table and reach for the remote, switching off the television and setting the room to a relieving silence.

"Sunri." You say your friend's name, poking at her cheek. She grunts and moves away from you, her eyes still shut tight.

"Fine, sleep here all night then." You scowl at her bad drinking habits. For as long as you've known her, she's always had a terrible addiction to alcohol. You had met Sunri in college, she was your roommate and the two of you used to fight constantly until you decided to be friends. Life was different back then, more carefree, less heavy, like the weight of surviving by yourself in big city Seoul. You wish it could go back to those days where you'd wake up for class and excitedly await a text from your boyfriend. Back then everything was exciting and fun. Now, it's just a blur of work and shopping and trying to sleep.

You lift Sunri's head and place a pillow beneath her; pulling a blanket up to her chin.

"Yeah, just sleep.." you mumble, feeling the sad feeling sink to your gut. It's days like these when you find yourself missing home the most. You trudge to your room and fall onto the bed.

Closing your eyes, you can almost imagine Mother's warm face and the scent of daisies from the detergent she always used. You can almost see yourself skipping past the gate and waiting happily for the bus in the sunshine.
Now, it's just you.
And a stray postcard every holiday. A random memory of how life used to be.
And a handful of blueberries reminding you how much it still hurts.