blueberries

g o n e

It had seemed like a completely normal morning to you. Just as any other, sunlight would sneak through the pink striped curtains and dance on your tumbled quilts. You yawned and stretched your arms into the dappled light. Sequins on your picture frames were hit by golden light, making dots of blue, red, and purple glow against your cheeks. Happy faces beamed from each frame. Shining eyes and rosy cheeks.

You could smell food cooking. Warm, tasty dumplings that mother made every morning and hot ramen. Tired but too hungry to sleep more, you rolled out of bed and dug your pale blue school uniform from your drawer. You threw it on without much thought and hurried to the kitchen.

"y/n- ah!" Jinwoo smiled wide with an orange wedged between his teeth. He looked up at you excitedly as he said your name, although speaking around the orange you could hardly hear the syllables. You giggled at how ridiculous he is.

"Good morning." Mother turned around from standing over the counter, holding a steaming pot of ramen noodles. You yawned and claimed your spot at the table.

"Did you wash your hands?" Mother asked, eyeing you with suspicion as you held your chopsticks in hungry anticipation. You scowled at her question and glared at Jinwoo, angry it was you being scolded instead of the boy you knew hadn't even used soap on his hands.

"Mom! Why is Jinwoo here?" You scrunched your nose in annoyance and mother laughed. True, it's wasn't unusual to see your classmate like this, since both mothers were close friends, but the thought of sharing breakfast with him made you upset.

"He's staying over this morning, his mother had somewhere to go."

"Mhm. Mommy went to a meeting." Jinwoo said proudly, as if he'd grown more than one head above you. In reality, he was thirteen and you were twelve but somehow he was much shorter than you. You kind of liked that, even though most of the time he won the arguments.

"She went to an interview; Jinwoo." Mother corrected him before looking up at you with a serious expression in her eyes that told you it was probably time to obey. You got up and stalked off to the bathroom without another word.

After breakfast the day went on as normal. Mother packed little containers of kimbap, banana milk, and baby carrots into your backpacks and organized your homework which had been thrown in a crumpled mess in the first pocket. She still packed your lunches just as she did when you were five. Mother wrapped you both in coats and scarves for the cool winter air. You grabbed Jinwoo's hand excitedly, keeping your eyes on mother as she repeated her same boring safety precautions. You loved going out to the bus stop with your best friend. Jinwoo thanked mother and dragged you out the door and suddenly, you were off to school.

Just like any other day, you hurried to the front gate and Jinwoo let you push it open. The sun was bright and the sky was clear. Though it looked like a warm day, the breeze was chilly on your cheeks. You remembered it well, that day. You remembered thinking how cold Jinwoo's hand was, and watching him as he distractedly blew his bangs from his eyes. You remembered the sparrows huddled together on the electric line, the brownish leaves that fell from the naked oak tree and the one that landed on your grey boots.

Somehow, it seemed the very moment was a blurry picture in your mind. The brown leaf which was tossed by the cool breeze and thrown into the chilly air. You remembered the cold fingers leaving your hand and the Jinwoo's silly laugh as he reached to catch the leaf.

Only moments later and there was screeching of rubber against pavement, the sound of a horn still just a faded sound in your mind. A horrifying thump of his body colliding with the hood of the car.

You remembered it being dark red, the car. You remembered the rusty hub caps and the peeling paint. Suddenly the cold you no longer felt. All of the sudden all that you felt was a white haze.

You heard the car's tires as it hurled off around the corner, leaving Jinwoo on the pavement. Leaving him in a puddle of red, dark red that stained his soft blue shirt and ran across his pale forehead. Brown hair covered his closed eyes, his body made not a single move and you knew then you had never been so scared.

"He died, Jinwoo's dead, Jinwoo died..."

"Can you tell me more? Did you see who hit him?" The man in the blue suit across the table looked intensely into your eyes, his fingers folded on the cold wooden table across his papers. You stared back as the horrifying screech of brakes repeated itself over and over in your head. The room smelled like bitter metal, it made you sick to your stomach, it smelled like blood. Everything smelled like blood. You felt yourself shaking, everything was shaking. Your fingers shook, your legs shook, your jaw shook and you had to clench it to keep your teeth from chattering. Not even tears were coming, nothing was going through your head but a white haze and a single thought:

"He died...Jinwoo died..."

"He didn't die." The blue suited man repeated, for the fifth time that morning. He was getting more and more frustrated and was slowly losing his patience.

The door was thrown open and an angry voice filled the small investigation room.

"Leave her alone now! What is wrong with you?! Can't you see she's not well?" The tall man you know as your father yells angry words at the blue suited man, who yells back and slowly the words become blurs in your mind. More of them.

"y/n." A softer, gentler voice speaks to you and you find arms around you, holding you, guiding you away. You sit slowly once again, staring at the dull grey floor and your matching grey boots. You're accustomed to this floor now. You remember the blue suited man. Whether this is your second or the twelve time here it still feels the same. You can still hear it, see it, over and over. You've made yourself believe it, that he's died. Unlike the others, who want to believe he's alive, that he'll live, you can only remember his body flying and hitting the ground, you can only remember him dying.

"I've gone crazy, haven't I?"