Bonded

Chapter 17: Embrace

Kylo watches him disappear around a corner. Then, he turns, entering a code next to the door. It whirs open and the lights in his room fade in as he enters.

He removes his mask and places it on a column to the right. He strides to the closet, pulling off his gloves, his mind consumed in preparations for invasion.

He's not worried about the success of the campaign. Zidon's forces aren't equipped to mount an effective defense against them.

He's more worried about the aftermath, about how this will be perceived, how it could affect negotiations with other planets. The truth is Zidon is less of a gang and more of a military rebellion against Salient's incompetent governance. A sizable chunk of the system's population supports their actions. This invasion will not go over well with them.

But the niceties of local politics in the Outer Rim will most likely be lost on the rest of the galaxy. And he's cautiously optimistic Ailen's holos will sway public opinion in their favor. Their reputation will suffer in Salient. After the invasion, the system will be extremely vulnerable to rebellion. They'll need monitor it closely, keep Resistance recruiters out.

But if they can accomplish the task and contain the threat of rebellion, this could be a model moving forward. They'll have to hone it, of course, adapt it for different situations, but they can go like this, throughout the Outer Rim, and eliminate all criminal organizations, restoring power back to official governments or governments of the First Order's making. Then resource extraction will be a well-oiled machine.

Not only that, but they'll have consolidated power throughout the whole of the galaxy, a distinction the Empire never even came close to achieving.

Kylo smiles to himself as he pulls a thin undershirt over his bare skin, turning to walk to his bed.

Yes, in a decade's time, people will look back and think of the Empire's effort to establish galactic order as pathetic compared to the First Order.

He sinks onto the bed, consumed by thoughts of infinite power, a rule of law that will last for thousands of years.

But his mind soon drifts, wanders to the same place it has every day since the last time he saw her.

Suddenly, he goes cold. He leans forward to rest his forearms on his knees, exes fixed down.

He's thought about it a thousand times. He wishes he could stop, keep his mind from overanalyzing that moment in the training room obsessively. But he has no more control over his thoughts than he does his own heartbeat. And the more he thinks about it, the more he questions it...

He was so sure at the time, so certain of what he felt in her when she healed him. But it didn't take more than a single night for doubt to creep in...

Maybe he misread her. After all, it's been years since he felt anything like that from someone. Can he really trust his own judgement?

Perhaps not. Perhaps what he felt wasn't what he thought, just a deeper kind of compassion.

His stomach drops with the crushing fear... That the feeling he thought was returned isn't really returned at all.

Beneath this fear is a deeper one, buried in his subconscious. It's not something he's aware of, less like a thought, more like a fundamental belief, one that makes him doubt that Rey could love him at all.

The belief that he's not lovable, never has been, never will be. Even his own family struggled to love him. Everything he is, everything that's gotten him here, to becoming Supreme Leader— his rage, his aggression, his ambition, his dispassion... It also makes him this way. Unlovable.