Caffeine [July Nanowrimo]

one; beginning

Although, deep inside, I knew that wasn’t the only reason I was still awake.

 I lay still on my bed, weighing my options. A hot caramel macchiato sounded tempting but so does staying in bed and let my poor muscles rest. My body was very reluctant to move but at the same time, I was literally seconds away from drooling over the thought of a hot coffee. After a few more moments of pondering, I forced myself to sit up from the comfortable bed.

“Coffee, you owe me big time for this,” I thought to myself wryly.

Trudging over to my wardrobe, I pulled a simple wooly sweater and a pair of worn out jeans. Pulling up a thick navy blue jacket over the top, I unplugged my phone from the charger and quietly made my way down to the front door. I tiptoed across my parent’s room, not wanting to wake them up after our hectic day. Once I heard the barely audible click of the front door, I paced out through the small gate at the side and onto the freshly plowed road.

I felt my body slump with relief and saw my breath curling into wisps in the frigid cold air. I took my time as I walked, not wanting to rush myself. Pulling my hair into a careless ponytail, I felt the cold wind brush harshly on my skin. Goosebumps raised along my skin as it made contact with the coldness.  A soft smile made its way to my face as I relished in the feel of winter.

It was my favorite season. Not because of the calming air or the festive lights, although those are a bonus. It was because of the memories winter held for me and those memories are the ones that warm me up from the inside like summer melting out the remnants of winter, as ironic as that sounds.

 The second my thoughts gingerly touched those memories, my mind went on an overdrive. It was a habit whenever I reminisce, hence why I try not to do it, although usually I fail.

Memories required too much of everything.

I could hear the muffled sounds of my Ugg boots crunching under the fresh snow, and I amused myself by letting out wispy breaths. Forcing myself to shift my thoughts away from the memories, I started thinking about the current events we’re having and the election that is looming over us. I would do almost anything to get my head to just stop thinking. Although I know my efforts will be in vain. Once those thoughts and memories are out, there is no shoving them back in the dark corners of your mind. There were moments where I wonder if I was ever in control of my own mind. I hated how it always subconsciously delves into the thoughts I’d rather keep hidden the minute I’m alone.

As I passed by the abandoned playground, I instinctively slowed down my pace. It was, it is, a sacred place to me. Just like that, the thoughts I had intensified and my resentment doubled. Focusing my attention to the sight before me, my heart sunk as I took in its slightly unkempt state.

My eyes raked through the playground’s contents; the swings, slides, monkey bars and the best of all, the old wooden see-saw. A grin played on my lips as I stared adoringly at it as the memories slip through my mind, one by one.

Those memories that I wanted throw away and yet at the same time, I wanted to relive it.

That’s the thing about memories. No matter how pleasant or how happy that memory is, it will always be tainted by longing, misery and bitterness.

It will always be tainted by the harshness of reality.

Every time I thought of these memories it annoys yet warms me. They mess around in my head and more of them start unfolding right before your eyes. You start replaying those memories and that goddamned feeling rises in your heart and gives it a squeeze that is painful yet pleasant at the same time. They turn you into an inflating balloon, just waiting to burst. Once there are too many memories trying to find space at the front of your head, you just expand and explode, making a loud meaningless commotion then.