younger | DΞΔN (slow updates)

twenty two | 22

super sorry for the late update, here's a long one.

6 months later

'so that's gonna be it for today, remember the exercises we've talked about, i want to see that list the next time you're here,' anne said as she went back to her desk.

'alright, see you next week,' i smiled as i walked through the clinic door, taking my phone out of my purse and dialing jennie.

'i'm sorry, therapy took forever today.'

'bitch i've been waiting for ages,' i could almost hear her roll her eyes. 'i'm heading over to yours now,' she replied.

'so how's therapy going anyways?' jennie asked as she reached into my pantry and downed her third cookie.

'honestly, i'm so glad you convinced me to go, i didn't realise how much shit i had to work through.' i put the lid back on the rice cooker and set it to cook as i turned around, crossed my arms over my apron that read "daddy" — a christmas gift from hyuk to me, but mostly to himself, that he found funny or whatever.

i'd started going to therapy a month after hyuk and i's relationship had faded from constant chatter to nothing but white noise on both ends.

he'd been in the states for a good couple of months. i watch his instagram lives off jennie's phone.

a few months ago he said something about visiting new york for a gig, 'i can't believe i'm voluntarily going to new york, people who do that don't love themselves enough', a running joke we have about how vicious of a dream-crusher new york can be.

i smiled. he knew i was watching, or at least he hoped i was. ever since then i would watch them on my own account.

i think i learnt a lot about myself when i finally sought help.

'i have a fear of committing,' i spoke my thoughts aloud. 'my job, my friendships, my relationships,' i paused, as i intensely gazed at my shoes that i had haphazardly left in the corner of the apartment. 'i have defense mechanisms too...too many of them.'

'what do you mean by that?' jennie inquired. 'so do you feel like those defense mechanisms obstruct you from committing to things maybe?'

jennie was a psych major. she had recently graduated and was now looking on to do counseling.

she often involuntary counseled me, but i liked it. it helped.

she knew exactly what to ask, and she managed to figure out elements i had always known but skimmed past about myself.
she knew that the more i voice my thoughts, the more they sink in. she knew how i resolved my issues.

she was someone who forced her presence into my life once i gave her the slightest entry. i was her, but angrier, sulkier maybe. we seemed so different but really we both knew our differences were exterior.

'maybe you need to think about why you tend to build those mechanisms in the first place," she prompted.

'hmm,' i squinted, 'i'm not sure,' my voice went up a key.

'try again, think, what if you'd allowed yourself to consider certain possibilities before they happened.'

'i don't know,' i sighed. all i could think about was what if i had ever given hyuk and i thought after the many years of being friends. i never even had a dumb day dream about how i could possibly feel about him. not even as a joke. i constantly internally panicked and shut it out.

i was scared.

'i'm scared,' i admitted, voice firm and defensive. 'i'm not comfortable with the idea of even the slightest possibility of getting hurt—i," i began to lose octave. 'i can't afford to get hurt—mentally, i can't. i'm weaker than i portray.'

particularly weaker than i portray to hyuk.

i'm so comfortable with him, to the degree of being cold, knowing that he wouldn't get upset. i have now realised that he he'd held me on a pedestal, ever so subconsciously, because i was older and more stoic, never voicing my insecurities while he was overwhelmed by his.

'you have to face this, you have to face him. you owe him more than that, you owe your friendship more than that,' jennie said as she heard her phone's notification bell.

deantrbl started a live video. watch before it ends!

i heard hyuk's muffled voice across the kitchen and jennie's eyes went wide as she stared at her phone's screen. mine did too.

'i just wrapped up tour last night and uh, yeah, i'm on my way to the airport right now, long flight back to seoul. hope to be back to the states real soon,'

'shit,' i breathed, 'he's coming back.'