hundred letters - harry styles

Letter 45

vote and comment please :)

Songs:

End up here - 5sos

Touch - daft punk

Everything flows - left boy

Dear Daisy,

Only two more days then I'm out of the fucking hospital. I haven't been eating proper food in so long, Dase. The food here is terrible and I've been losing so much weight again. I almost look like four months ago, when I had about forty pounds less than usually. Now I have about thirty pounds less than two months ago. But I'm okay.

Yesterday the nurse came and asked me if I was ready to see my parents. I said that I've never been more ready. I felt so good yesterday, like I could rule the world and beat everything bad. I felt so strong and I was really motivated to hit my father right in the face. I wanted to hit him and tell him what an asshole he is. I wanted to feel better afterwards and then I wanted to tell my mother that she sucks, they all do. I wanted to call her a bitch and a heartless cunt. I wanted to be really mean to them and hurt them they way they hurt me.

But I didn't. Of course I didn't.

When my father came in the room he was walking next to a woman, not my mother though. That's when I remembered that my parents got a divorce. My parent aren't parents anymore, they're father and mother. The woman didn't look too bad though. She was definitely younger than Des, she also was younger than my mother.

My father greeted me and sat down on a chair beside my bed. He looked at me and had tears in his eyes, he began to cry and said how sorry he was for everything he did wrong in his life. He said that I was his everything, and that he is so glad I didn't really kill myself.

I don't know how to tell you this Dase, I don't know how to feel about my father crying. I didn't say anything to him, so he continued to apologize and then he looked up to me and told me that I wasn't looking healthy. He said that I should come over once and look at his new house with his new girlfriend Angie. He said that he would cook something so I get something to eat for a change.

I didn't agree to come though, I didn't nod nor did I decline. I was just sitting there wanting to hear what he has to say. So when he said that my mother couldn't make it to the hospital because she has to prepare things for her wedding I had struggle to breathe for a moment. My mother will marry again, and she didn't even think about telling me, she just does it without seeing the need to tell her own flesh and blood about it. There is the next disappointment, I guess.

It's not like I'm surprised, you know? It's not like I thought she would tell me, but when you get thoughts like these confirmed it just kind of is a flash. It does hurt to know that after all this time, my mother still hasn't accepted that she has a son and that people like me need other people to make them feel better about themselves. I crave some attention from my parents, really. Even though they've been assholes to me for my whole life, I do want them to see me, I want them to think of me and to feel like they have to make me happy. Especially in situations like mine.

But I guess I should have been prepared for news like that. Obviously my mother doesn't care about me, she never did. Neither did my father, but at least he had the balls to show up after I have almost died.

I don't really want to talk about my parents anymore, Dase. I don't want to spend my time thinking about people who never cared anyway. I have better things to do.

Anyway, your parents have been visiting me a lot during the two weeks. They brought me magazines and books to read. Your father played sudoku with me the other day, to distract me from thinking about the wrong things. I'm so grateful that I have someone like him in my life, he truly is one of the only positive sources in my life.

Also, I wanted to tell you something else. I wanted to tell you about a guy I met at the hospital. His name is George and we share a room. He always tells me about his imaginary girlfriend, about how she dances for him and about how he loves to touch her.

He is kind of weird but it's nice to have people to talk to when you're feeling so empty and alone.

Dan has been visiting me quite a few times too, he told me about all the things that happen at work and about everything I didn't miss out on. I love Dan, he really is and amazing friend.

So that's it, that's about all the people that came to check up on me, I wish you would be here with me right now Dase. I wish you could sit on the edge of my bed and tell me you love me. I really need to hear an I love you from someone soon or else I'll blow up and explode. I need this feeling of meaning something to people, of not being useless and unloved.

My nurse told me yesterday that she once had a patient who always called her after the name of his dead wife. He told her that he loved her and that his nurse at the hospital is very kind. And she always pretended to be his wife and told him that she loved him too, and one day this old man died and the nurse was feeling very sad, but at least the patient died after hearing that someone loved him, which makes the whole story worth telling.

I think that's cute. I wish I could die too after hearing that you love me. And I could stay awake all night just waiting for you to say my name. And I would wait hundred years just to touch you again. I would die a thousand deaths just to hear you breathing one more time.

I love you Daisy.

-

Very short and very crappy I'm sorry.

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