hundred letters - harry styles

Letter 4

Dear Daisy,

Another day passed without you by my side. I still cry the whole time, every second of the day. I slap myself twice a day, in hope to wake up from that horrible, horrible nightmare I call my life. But very soon, it will come to an end, I promised it Daisy. I'll keep my promise, for you.

My phone is still turned off, I couldn't handle talking to someone right now, I'm in a very shitty state and I don't think anyone would like to see me that way. Somehow life never fails to ruin everything. Things never seem to go right, or at least the way I want them to. I've been going through your stuff, your calendar and other things. You would have a lot going on this week. We planned on going to the new restaurant in our street, the one where they change the lights everyday. We even got a table for Thursday, maybe I should cancel it, but I couldn't bring myself to do such a thing right now, that's for sure. It seems like I do nothing but crying and hurting myself. I cut again, this time on my arm. I may seem like a teenage girl but it makes me feel alive, that's what I want to be right now. Who knows if I'll still be alive next week. I try to come as soon as possible Daisy, really. But before I leave, I have to say goodbye to everyone, my parents, my friends, everyone close to me, you know? I'm lucky to have the chance, I get to decide when it will happen, I exactly know what time I'll die if I want. But until then, I'll write you everyday, that's the only thing I 'enjoy' at the moment. Everything else just hurts and makes me cry even more.

I haven't been to work since you passed, I haven't done anything actually. I still have to plan the funeral or at least help your parents a little, they suffer the most in this whole situation. Maybe not as much as me but they do. Your mother won't stop crying and your father can't anymore. He doesn't get sleep nor time for himself. He's all busy planning the funeral and calming your mother. Their flat looks like the one of a 20 year old student. It's a complete mess, your mother won't bring herself to clean anything, she hasn't eaten in days. Her entire body has lost its force and her usually pretty styled hair, hangs down only smooth and brittle. She needs some sort of rehab. She's an old woman who lost her young daughter and the only thing that she still has is her husband. Your father does everything to help her, he cooks for her in hope she'll look at it and maybe take a bite. But every meal stays untouched. He tries his best to make the dishes and clean the flat but, just like your mother, he hasn't got the energy to. They're in this hopeless circle, crying, suffering and crying again. The same one I'm in.

When I look at your parents now, missing you and crying day and night, I wonder if my parents would do the same when I come and join you. I wonder if it's gonna be as hard for them as it is for me or for your parents. Maybe I should explain them what our plan is, maybe they'll understand us and I can leave them here, knowing they won't suffer. I don't want them to be half as unhappy as I am right now. They won't have it in their mind that they'll see me anytime soon, they will stay here on earth, on this cruel place. I suffer so much and I'm so frustrated, even though I know I'll see you very soon. So how will they feel Daisy? Wouldn't it be even harder for them than it is for me? Maybe they'd forget me soon and live their life's just like before. You never know, right Daisy?

Would they start hurting themselves just like I do? Would they smile at the wounds, happy to feel the pain? I'm still thinking about this the whole time, I'll have to find a way to leave this place, a good way like shooting myself. I could shoot myself at the exact same place where you died, in hope to find my way to your arms.

I love you Daisy