hundred letters - harry styles

Letter 13

Ok so I decided to write author notes at every Letter just because I want to interact a little more with you guys! Thank you all for wishing me a happy birthday and for over 800 reads! And a happy new year, may all your wishes come true! :) My personal wish is 1k reads by Zayns birthday :)
Ps. Follow me on twitter : xperfection1d ! I will follow back as much as I can! :) And if anyone wants to share the story I wouldn't have anything against it ;) x


Songs:

Beside You - 5SOS

All The Days - HAERTS

Ribs (Ryan Hemsworth Remix) - Lorde



Dear Daisy,

Guess what day today is? It's Christmas Eve. Everyone's with their families and is probably happy, sitting with them in the warm. And me, I'm here alone in our fucking ice cold flat, sitting on my wooden chair, writing, thinking, crying. I became so lonely, I don't talk to anyone, not even to myself. I don't meet people and I haven't smiled in a month. This can't be healthy.
At least I started eating again. I lost about 10 pounds. I look horrible, like a skeleton. I'm paler than ever and have big rings under my eyes. I'm what people call a fuckup. A fuckup that actually went outside and bought food. I still am so proud for going to the supermarket. I know that's like the most normal thing in the world, but when the only person you're with all day and all night is yourslef, you just absolutely change. I have noticed that actually. I just changed in every possible way, not only physically but mentally. My priorities went from you, to surviving. The only reason I wake up is because I can't sleep forever. I wish I could tell you anything interesting Daisy, but nothing happens all day. I live a daily routine, nothing changes. I wake up, I sit in bed and think then sometimes I go in the bathroom and cut, but I've stopped cutting, then I obviously wash and all and then I sit back in my room and think again, sometimes cry. Usually I write before I go to bed since I want to tell you about the whole day. That's all. Nothing else happens the whole day and it kills me.

Tomorrow will be hell. My parents probably won't even call me, no one will care about my well being and I'll sit alone in our empty flat. On Christmas Eve people are usually super excited and happy, but then there's me. I actually would be excited if there was anything to be excited for. But nothing in my life at the moment makes me want to smile. Sometimes I even force myself to smile, just because I can't stand seeing myself that sad. But life never fails to disappoint me.

I did have lonely and sad Christmases, you know, back in the days when my whole life used to be different. Before we met and I was a complete different person. I used to go in clubs on Christmas Day and smoke so much that I don't even remember coming there in the first place. I was around people I would never talk to anymore, I used to call them my friends. But somehow I liked it back then, I liked knowing that I am totally on my own and that no matter what happened to me, no one would give two shits. I liked that feeling of having no liabilities, no one to make proud or happy. That was just how my life was, before you came of course. When we met I was willing to change for you, I said if that's the person you want me to be, then I will be that person, for you Daisy. I quit smoking and stopped partying everyday. I wanted to make you proud because that was a whole new experience for me. I never made anyone proud, you smiled at me like I was your source of happiness and that was when I realized that you were mine. I saw that shine in your eyes when I made something right, the way you held my hand and said You did it Harry. I think I just liked the thought of being important to someone. I liked knowing that when I said can you make me a coffee, you knew how I liked it, how much sugar I wanted, how much milk. You knew me, every single part of me. I never let anyone come so close to me. People knew my name, nothing else. But you knew every inch of my body, every secret and you could tell how I was feeling just by looking in my eyes. You gave me the feeling that I can be someone. That's why I love you so much. Because to you, I'm not nobody.

I love you Daisy