Write Your Own Story, Before Someone Else Does

finding

Life sucks.

It throws you a lot of curb balls.
Some good and some not so good.

Life threw me a huge curb ball on January 22nd.

My life changed that day.

I walked into my first hour class, choir.

We were all talking to each other waiting for the teacher to come in and start class.

Mr. Charles walked in and we all got ready to start when the principal called for our attention on the pound speaker.

"Attion staff and students. Over the weekend a 10th grade student had died. Her name is Mariah Lambert. The resources for those who new Mariah are open to all. With this loss we become a stronger community. May her life live on in all of us.
Have a good day."

That was a shock to my system.

My whole body went numb. I didnt hear the teacher talking to us. I ran on auto pilot through the whole class.

When I got to my 2nd hour my dean of students came and got me out of class. She asked if I was ok.

I said yes in fine. Not really thinking about what I was say, I just wanted to get out of here.

I ran on auto pilot for all my classes until I got to my advisory class. That's when I broke down.

Not seeing her there, sitting in her usual seat.

But, I realize now I was more angry at the rest of the people in my advisory class.

Me and Mariah we the "out casts" the "nerds"
We cared about our future and was got shit done in school.

The kids in our advisory class were all the "jocks" and the "popular" kids who always picked on us.

I was so angry with them. They sat there laughing and joking like there was no care in the world.

Ir was like her death didnt effect them. That she was "nothing".

We all sat in the same advisory class of one in a half years and they didnt even realize she was dead!!

I sat in my spot next to hers trying not to cry while they all laughed.

I never wanted to hurt people more than I did in that moment.

I wanted to make them feel how I felt in that moment.

I wanted them to hurt like me. I want them to know what it's like to just fine out your friend just died!!

I have never been as angry as I was then.

I never thought I held that much rage inside me.

I dont really remember the rest of the day.

I remember my dean came into my advisory and took me out.

I remember calling my mom telling her my friend had died.

I remember on the way home crying so hard that I couldn't see what was going on outside.

When I got  home I went down to my room and refused to come out.

I spent two days in my room refusing to go to school.

I then spent the next couple of weeks forcing myself to go to school.

Then going to Mariah's wake.

When I went to her wake I forced my self to look at all the photos they had laid out for her.

I forced myself to go talk to her mom.

And when I went up to her mom to say how sorry I was, she looked at me and asked who I was.

I said I was Jamie, Mariahs friend.

And Mariahs mom looked at me and said "Mariah talked about you a lot. She really liked you. You were her buddy."

That broke me.

After I talked to her mom I went up to Mariahs casket and looked down upon her.

She didnt look like her self. She looked fake.

I looked at her and I said "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed someone the most."

I left after that.

I forced myself to go to her funeral. And I forced my self to keep on going for the next couple of months tell I finally broke down.

Wondering why she decided to kill her self.

Why......