december 24th, 2013
ages; 19
i was so nervous. the boys returned a day early and i hadn't seen them yet, but they were coming over for christmas eve and spending the night.
my heart pounded in my chest. i thought back to my promise with ashton, even though i was technically dating luke. what would he think? i was so scared. so freaking scared. my mum had a whole bunch of red and green decorated sugar cookies shaped like bells and gingerbread people and trees. i bit at one nervously as i waited for the doorbell.
and it wasn't like ashton forgot, because he'd texted me almost every day with promise? and i stupidly replied promise every time.
it was okay. all i would do is wait in my room until all the boys were in the house safely and then go down, see ashton first, and hug him. that would work. i was a terrible girlfriend.
"maely," my mom called as i headed for the stairs, "where are you going? the boys should be here soon."
i turned to her and smiled briefly. "just gonna' get my phone," i called and slowly started for the stairs. until the door flew open and i stopped.
the first face i saw was ashton's. as soon as we made eye contact he smiled brightly after kicking off his shoes and starting for me. that was until, well. until luke pushed him out of the way and ran over to me, throwing his arms around me. i gasped as i half-heartedly hugged back, looking over his shoulder at ashton.
pain was displayed all over his face and i frowned, pulling away from luke. but no, of course the little shit had to kiss me, and, well, and i closed my eyes, complying to it. michael made gagging noises as we kissed and luke giggled against my lips. i pushed luke off we subtly as i could. "my mum is right there," i said as an excuse and he rolled his eyes, nodding.
i looked around, finding that ashton was no where to be found. "i'm so happy i get to spend christmas with you," luke said cheerfully, and i smiled, nodding.
"hey, i gotta pee," i said and ran up the stairs, rushing to look through all the rooms, trying to find ashton. "ash?" i whisper yelled. he was in my room, on my bed. i walked in and closed the door behind me, moving to sit next to him. "ashton?"
he looked away. "you got me back," he said. "we both broke our promises." i didn't know he was crying until i saw a tear running down his cheek. on instinct i brushed it away.
i frowned and crossed my legs indian style, looking at him worriedly. "wha-"
"i promised you i'd love you forever," he whispered and my heart shattered with every word he spoke, "but i broke it. you promised this one small thing and let me tell you, it kind of sucks. i've been looking forward to this- this stupid fucking bullshit lie for five days, counting the hours. but you broke it." i couldn't wrap my brain around what he was saying.
i moved to pull my knees to my chest. "but you didn't actually break it, did you?" i asked and he looked up. i found that his usually lively hazel eyes were dead, like they were an unplugged light. "you didn't stop loving me? i know i didn't."
"don't," he whispered. "you know i didn't."
and then i was swinging my legs over the side of the bed and scooting closer to him. he swallowed harshly before i lifted his muscular arm and ducked under it, wrapping my arms around his waist. he immediately hugged back. i sighed as i took in his axe slash chocolate smell. i didn't want to pull away.
the door opened and luke stood there, a confused look etched upon his features. "um, dinner's ready," he said.
i pulled away and stood, offering a hand to ashton. no, i wasn't going to blatantly hold his hand in front of luke. i was just going to help him up. and that i did. he barely smiled at me before following after me and luke down the stairs and into the kitchen, where the boys, my parents, ashton's mum, and his little brother harry.
i ate quietly, not actually saying a word for more than one reason. first, i couldn't stop thinking about everything. second, next to me, ashton had a hand on my knee - i know - and across from me, luke kept playing footsies. i wanted to slap them both, but i just mushed at my mashed potatoes and found myself in a burrito of self misery. [ ha, cami ]
at the end of dinner, we all decided to camp out in the living room to "wait for santa," as michael said. i ended up on the loveseat with luke, staring blankly at ashton, who was cuddled up with a power puff girls blanket and holding a beer. i wanted to sit with him, not luke. why?
"maelman," luke whispered, making me jump and stare at him with wide eyes. "are you okay?" i smiled and nodded, wiping at my eyes and hugging a pillow to my chest, subconsciously moving away from luke and closer to the edge of the sofa. ash noticed and frowned.
i felt so confused.
the boys all fell asleep at around one so i crept out of the sofa and went upstairs quietly, going to my room. i knew that they'd probably peek at their presents if i put them under the tree early, so i hid them in my closet. hurrying up and grabbing them, i carried them down the stairs, placing them neatly under the tree with the others. i looked around, finding it dark and boring, so i wandered around until i found myself going to the backyard.
i sat in the grass, thinking of all the fond memories i had in this very backyard. most of them with ashton. like when i was a very amateur gymnast - i never went farther than cheerleading with that. and then cheer got me somewhat of a scholarship to a local college.
oh. right.
i would be going to college in a few months, maybe eight. that was terrifying. leaving everything behind to go off to school far away from your home, your life. i used to worry about not going to the same college as ashton- wow.
i didn't flinch as someone sat next to me in the grass. i knew who it was by the way they breathed kind of heavily, obviously ashton. he always had a distinct aura about him, too, not to mention is lame christmas socks. i laid back, feeling him do it as well. all was silent until he finally spoke.
"do you ever wish you could go back and redo something to make it right?" he asked, and i looked over at him, shaking my head. "i do. when i was sixteen, i did something really stupid to the girl i love, and ruined everything. i gave up my one and only happiness with a small mistake."
i moved closer to him so that i was resting my head on his shoulder, despite us both laying down. "i would go back and change, i don't know, maybe not talking to the boy i love more," i whispered, and he reached over and took my hand.
"but," he whispered back, "the boy you love did something much worse. the girl i love didn't do a thing, and that's probably what's making the boy you love feel like shit."
i couldn't stop my mouth. "was it true- what you said on the phone about relapsing?" it was quiet.
"yeah."
"did you do it?"
he looked at me before shaking his head and licking his lips. "i've made a lot of mistakes in my life maely but none of them compare to what i did to you," ashton said.
"it's okay i'm over it-"
"no," he squeezed my hand, "it isn't okay. i can't even imagine what i did to you, maely, and- god. i'll never get you back after what i did." i sat up and turned so i was pressing down on his chest, looking down at him, my eyes taking in every part of him. the way his lips were slightly parted in surprise. the way he put a hand over mine on his chest so that i didn't fall or anything.
but maybe i wanted to fall.
i leaned down and started moved my face closer to ashton's, and our lips were just about to touch when- "maely!"
