Miraculous Headache

Stoned

"It's time to roost, criminal scum!" proclaimed Principal Damocles. He flapped his flimsy cardboard owl wings and chased the bank robbers.

Down the street, a couple kids were drawing dicks on a petrified stoneperson who had the misfortune of being forever frozen in a nosepicking position. A raggedy Mr. Ramier, dressed like a pigeon, leaped into view and accused the children, "Vandalism! This will not stand! Attack, my pretties of justice! RRROOO!" At his call, a flock of pigeons dove down, plucked the stoneperson off the ground and flew away.

Across the block, a grandmother made the mistake of jaywalking. Her limbs were promptly broken by a guy wearing a black beret with a human skull on it. He growled down at the bleeding senior citizen, "I'm the French Punisher and I just sacre blew out your kneecaps!"

The image shrank to the corner of the TV screen and the news reporter Nadia Chamak smiled. "That was the latest amateur news footage provided to us from young reporter Alya. In the wake of Stoneheart's destructive rampage, thousands of euros in damages were incurred and the number of missing continues to rise. Despite the rapidly growing number of vigilantes storming Paris, the estimated 500 innocent Parisians trapped in stone remain as such. Scientists give them until the end of the day to live. We now go to the mayor."

"In hindsight," Mayor Bourgeois addressed the crowd of reporters, "outright legalizing vigilantism has its problems, but it is a necessary sacrifice to keep our city safe."

"I am Gun-Man!" Officer Roger jumped in front of the camera wearing multiple pistols, revolvers, machine guns, shotguns, sniper rifles, regular rifles, semi-automatic rifles, fully automatic rifles, and one bubblegum-pink watergun filled with acid.

Marinette's terrorfied hands snapped the TV remote in half, "Oh, isn't life amazing..." she whimpered. "DAD!" she whipped around to her father who scrambled to hide the great bread shield and bladed candelabra behind his back. "Paris is a safe place to live, right?"

"Absolutely, honey!" Tom nodded. "With Ladybug, Chat Noir, and all these new street heroes running around, the only people who should be worried are the villains." He awkwardly chuckled, "Not that me and your mother are really supervillains! Caring parents turning out to be the bad guys? That's ridiculous! HAHAH! Can you leave the room?"

"So what you're saying is..." Marinette leaned closer, filled with hope. Tom nearly dropped the ancient jade mask and giant rolling pin behind his back. "I don't have to feel guilty about any of this?"

"I have zero clue why any of what we're talking about would make you feel guilty but if it makes you leave the room, then yes."

Her choice to abandon the city to its doom validated, Marinette hugged Tom tightly, "Thanks dad, you're the best." The loving act pushed Tom against the hidden button under the blender that LOUDLY opened the secret passageway to The Baker and The Candlestick Maker's Evil Lair behind the TV. "What was that?" Marinette tried to turn towards the noise.

"Good talk, Marinette, go to school now, love you, bye!" said Tom before he shoved his daughter out of the room.

Marinette scooted up the stairs, thinking her dad's odd attitude was probably due to too much baking soda or something. It didn't matter. What mattered was that she didn't have to worry about Paris being overrun with cape wearing freaks while hundreds of people remain trapped in stone. Why? Because she quit. And there was no shame in that. People quit all the time! If America could quit the Paris Climate Agreement, then Marinette could quit saving people's lives.

Marinette the Quitter threw on her bookbag only to see the strange octagonal box that now housed the inactive Miraculous earrings. She supposed by the cosmic rule of Finder's Keepers she had some responsibility to choose someone else to become Ladybug.