Miss You Dearly

Chapter 8

She spent the rest of the day with a smile on her cheeks. It wasn't a smile of happiness, but rather, a smile of complete nervousness. She tended to smile when she got really nervous. What she said to Garrus was embarrassing. Honest, but embarrassing. If she knew why she was rejecting people left in right, she wouldn't have a definite answer. Nihlus wouldn't have wanted her to be hung up on him like this, that she knew, but no matter how much she liked him, she felt like she was a weight. She wanted another relationship, it would be nice to feel that happiness again. She didn't want to upset Garrus though, she didn't want him to feel like he withered in comparison to Nihlus. She wanted to be over him. Completely, but who knew how long that'd take? She'd probably still have scars from him. She was confusing herself

She didn't feel like working today, the mission John had brought her on drained the life out of her, she wanted to sleep more. She was actually thankful for the couple of extra hours she'd gotten that same morning, she spent most of it thinking of Garrus. Her dreams were actually nice, they were of him. She would've passed out had she continued her regular schedule. Things happen for a reason, she thought.

During the day, Kaidan had grown more flirtatious. She felt as though she was leading him him on, as well as Garrus, even though she'd let them both down. She supposed that she did openly tell them both they had someone sort of chance with her. Dumb move on her part. She wasn't thinking, lost in the moment, she just said what felt right at the moment. Those things only dug her hole deeper, soon she'd suffocate.

She thought back to that kiss with Garrus. It felt so familiar. So right. The way he purred, the way he felt, it was just like Nihlus. She didn't want to use Garrus as a replacement for Nihlus, but the more she thought about a relationship with him, the more she believed that was what she was doing. The place she had in her heart for Nihlus could never be filled completely, but it could be filled partially by another turian, or at least, that's what it felt like she was doing. Trying to mend her wounds with a Nihlus copy, but he wasn't Nihlus. Garrus and Nihlus were two entirely different people, and as she began to learn more and more about him, she began to like him even more.

She sighed and glanced at the picture of Nihlus she had on her workbench. It was her only picture of him. She'd taken it, not long ago, on a date. It was an off guard picture, he didn't even notice her camera so he was looking away, but somehow, she managed to get all of his beautiful features. She traced her finger down the glass of the picture frame. Over and over again in her head, she told herself to just let go. He wouldn't want you to be sad. He wouldn't want you to be alone. He'd want you to be happy. She touched her bite mark, it was practically gone. The skin had reverted back to its natural color and Garrus said that she no longer smelled of Nihlus. The only remnant of him that remained was this picture. She didn't want to throw it away, that'd be too disrespectful, she wanted to keep it, for memories in the future. She placed the photo face down against the table and sighed, a weight lifted from her chest.

Jane turned back to face Garrus, he was working hard on the mako. They'd taken it out on the mission today and after being turned over three times, crashed into structures, and barely surviving a thresher maw attack, she was in bad shape. She really liked Garrus. Really really like him. She wanted to ignite a new flame inside of herself, not one based off Nihlus, but an entirely new one.

She was feeling a whole wave of emotions. Fear and excitement, happiness and melancholy. She wanted to turn back around, flip the picture of Nihlus back over, and continue things the way they were. Or maybe she could run upstairs to Kaidan, she had to admit, her feelings for him weren't as strong. She saw him as an older brother, but right now her knees were buckling.

She took a hesitant step forward. Then another, then another, until she got a slow, but steady pace. Nihlus was never afraid, he always faced the world head on with not a bit of worry. Jane knew that Nihlus wanted her to be the same. She would try not to be afraid, no matter how hard it was. She wanted to continue living. She wanted to be happy. She wanted to feel warm. She wanted Garrus. It felt a bit rushed, sometimes she felt as though she'd known Garrus for years, other times she felt like she'd only know him for a day, but she was feeling a spark, that spark would start the fire.