It hit me like a crashing wave. The numbness washed over me again like it had done before: but this time it was different. It always felt like a numbness that would leave when I had a hug or a laugh with some friends but it felt odd this time.
I sat there on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, contemplating whether or not I should go out. I felt empty but thought it may go away if I spent time with friends.
I got dressed into my usual clothes. I wasn't even going out properly, just out of the house for a couple of hours to do volunteering but it still felt like such a tedious effort.
I paced to the front door, opened it, and slammed it shut behind me. As I was walking, I noticed that the emptiness followed me like a shadow. I could not forget it. It wouldn't leave.
I got to the building and went inside and started to prepare the room by setting out the tables and chairs. It was the same routine that I did every week. I never really enjoyed it but this time every chair I moved felt like another hand pushing me further down below the surface.
Once I'd finished setting up, I went into the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee; after all, it was free. I put my usual two sugars in but it just tasted so bitter and odd so I added two more. Then it tasted sickly sweet like medicine but I drank it anyway.
I set the mug down on the side and headed to the office to file paperwork. It was simple: red tabs go in the top drawer, green tabs in the second, yellow tabs in the third one, grey ones in the fourth and orange ones in the last drawer.
However it wasn't simple. It was difficult. All the colours started merging into one and the words went all fuzzy. I thought I was exhausted so I went back to the kitchen to make myself another cup of coffee.
I put five sugars in and drank it in under a minute. I perked up a bit and went to the cupboard to sort out the money into bags. It was a simple task, the amount in each bag had to add up to five pounds. But it just became difficult. The numbers bounced around my head and I got out my phone to Google the answer but it had run out of battery.
I went back to the kitchen and made myself another coffee. And another. And another.
By the time I locked up and left the building, I was shaking all over. I wasn't used to the caffeine coursing through my veins. It was terrifying.
The world spun round and round and my eyes would not focus on anything as I stumbled down the hill to get to my house. People probably thought I was drunk.
When I got home, I felt like I was going to be sick. I wanted to rip my eyes out of their sockets. My head was throbbing and my heart was racing faster than it had before.
I sat down on the couch, still shaking and turned on the tv. It was too loud and too bright so I decided to just go to bed.
I could barely walk upstairs as my legs were so weak from shaking. I gripped the wooden banister so hard that it left nail marks. I felt like I was falling but I was standing completely still.
I got into bed and pulled the covers over my head. "This is just a dream" I told myself over and over. "I'll wake up and I'll be okay."
I started to panic when I checked my pulse. It was a lot higher than usual, but it was fine. It wasn't even that much caffeine.
After hours of staring at the ceiling, I fell asleep and it felt like I hit the ground. It felt like defeat.
