Three Little Birds

Truth of the Matter

The day had been a good one, however, the last couple months, while littered with happy moments and laughter, kisses and sex and complete days where nothing seemed to be wrong in the least, there was also a shadow that loomed over Mykel and I that I couldn't quell; and I felt it oppressing me, bearing down like an anvil on my chest.

"Mattie, my love, what's the matter? Talk to me, baby." His voice was so gentle, his touch so loving and soft that I felt the anvil press down that much further.

"I don't know how," I managed to choke out. "I don't know how to say it. I don't want you to be mad at me."

"Why would I be mad at you, baby?" He shifted again so he was better facing me, his arm snaking around to rub my back.

"Because...I don't know..." I felt like a child and even more so when he pulled me closer to him.

"Because why, my sweet?" His fingers found my hair and began combing through it. I didn't answer, I couldn't. "Please talk to me, Mattie. I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

"I don't want to make things worse," I told him, my voice cracking.

"Make what things worse, baby?" he asked me with confusion.

"Everything. Ever since...things have been different. It feels like you're backing away...and the only time I really have all of you is in bed." I sat up and away from him, drawing my legs up and wrapping my arms around my knees. "I'm sorry," I said feeling that familiar fear creep into me. I went too far. I knew this time...
Mykel, for his part, looked only hurt, as he too sat up. He pulled his back against the headboard so that he was sitting up completely, drawing his knees up in a similar fashion to mine. "I feel like because of one...I messed up...and I feel like not only do you no longer trust me that you're...holding yourself back from me. Communication is a two-way road, Mykel, and you can't expect me to just...talk to you when you won't give me that same courtesy. I see the looks...the worried glances...the once-overs on exposed skin. When you're ready to talk to me...then I'll talk to you. I want to talk to you...I want to tell you how I feel...but I also want to feel like you're in the room with me when I do it...I miss you..."

"I haven't been meaning to push you away. Or to make you feel like I am. I'm sorry, Mattie. I really am." He sighed and reached for his boxers, pulling them over his legs.

"Are you pushing me away, Mykel? Am I just paranoid?"

He looked at me for a long moment before he answered. "Honestly...it's possible. I will acknowledge that it's a possibility...but it isn't something if done, was done from malice. I'm not upset with you."

I took a shuddering breath as I looked at him. "But aren't you though?" My eyes watered more and I looked away.

He sighed. "What do you want me to say, Mattie?"

He almost sounded defeated. "The truth," I answered, my voice barely audible. "Just tell me the truth. If you're upset with me, tell me. If you're scared, tell me. But I notice the glances you give me. How much closer you look at my legs...my wrists...the far away and frightened look in your eyes." I drew my lips together before I spoke further, my question hurtful to us both. "When are you going to stop comparing me to Kaiden, Mykel?"

"That isn't fair, Mattie." I heard the hurt in his tone.

"Isn't it though?" I looked at him staring down at his hands.

"No. I don't compare you. You're very different people. I do, however, take from the lessons that Kaiden taught me so history doesn't repeat itself. And that's just the thing, Mattie. I didn't check on Kaiden like I felt I should have when he started cutting...I let him convince me everything was fine. It started with a few cuts to his legs. Then it moved to his upper arms. Then to his wrists. And while he didn't kill himself in that same fashion, he still fucking killed himself, so my goddamned apologies if I don't want to see you go down that road.